my new suede shoe

This is my new left shoe. For the week. Until Monday. Don't be jealous that I know how to rock this fine piece of footwear.

It's been crazy. I remember the day and time this goofy foot mess began. I was working with a kid at an elementary school. May 28. The day before we left for Atlanta. I felt a small sting on the side of my big toe. I scratched at it and went on. No big deal. As the morning went on, it turned into a big oozing sore. And it was painful.

Well, I had some athelete's foot going on at the time, so I just attributed the sore to that. Especially after my in-depth research on Google and WebMD. But I didn't want to go all the way off to Atlanta and have it get worse. So, I went to the grand 'ol Claremore Indian Hospital the next morning.

The woman looked over my foot. Seemed she took my word for it that it was just some bad athelete's foot. Gave me some antifungal pills. And sent me off to Atlanta. But I went on to work after that. Couldn't even get my shoe on and tied without lots of pain.

It got worse in Atlanta. Lots worse. I stayed in the hotel room because it was too painful to walk.

I went back to the Indian hospital when I got home. The same woman looked at my foot again. They tested me for diabetes, lupus, and rheumatoid arthritis. This time she gave me some prednisone. Well, the prednisone is not clearing up the sores. And my bloodwork all came back good.

So, today I was sent to the podiatrist. He looked it over. Looked at the new sore that had developed since last week. Tortured me by swabbing the open, oozing sore with soap and antiseptic. And then told me he didn't know what it was. Thank you so much, Dr. Lashley. And no, the names in this story have not been changed to protect the innocent because this guy made me mad.

So, now I'm on prednisone and amoxicillin. I have specific instructions on how to care for my foot. And as noted in the picture above, I will be wearing the lovely shoe all week.

If my foot does not get better, Sean will be accompanying me back to the lovely Dr. Lashley's office. Because he said he will give me a shot in my toe. I'm not sure what he will do after the shot. I forgot to pay attention after the word "shot." He could cut it off for all I care. It's the sticking of the needle in my toe that I am much afraid of. Put me out for that shot. Wake me up for the amputation. In that order please. Well, not really. But I don't want a shot in my toe.

I don't know why I'm blogging about my toe. But it's my blog. I can do whatever I want. And besides I'm practicing my writing skills for upcoming book.

meanwhile...

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along if we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. (Romans 8:26, Msg)

Reading over this in church this morning totally distracted me to several different thoughts. First, I don't know why I am blogging so much. My track record proves I'm not very consistent. But I forgot how much I like to write. So, this is a good outlet for me to get back into.

One thought I had after reading over that verse is how restless Sean was last night. He wasn't sleeping well, and therefore, neither was I. He kept tossing, turning, mumbling, scratching his feet. Last thing I remember was seeing the clock read about 2:37 or something. I played Sudoku on my phone to try and make myself sleepy. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. Sean's restless night was annoying. I wanted to sleep. I was tired. That verse triggered my thinking. I wonder if God gets annoyed with my restlessness.

Restlessness and sighing and mumbling and moaning...those are often the times we don't know what to say or do.

I picked up a lady and her two kids for church this morning. Her youngest, a two year old, doesn't speak well. Yet when she wants something, she will yell or scream. Normal communication for a two year old? Maybe. As the screams were irritating me, I remembered the verse again.

How frustrating for her to not be able to ask for or get what she wants. She doesn't know the words. It's not like she knows the words and is just so frustrated can't think of them. She doesn't know the words to even recall them!

How many times have I been in a situation like that? I know the words to communicate. But I get so impatient and don't want to take the time to communicate clearly.

But when I'm truly at a place where I'm tired and can't go on...God is right there alongside me. I love that picture. Alongside. I first heard that word when I was an RA at OCC. We were trained as RA's to come alongside the students on our watch to help them. When you come alongside someone, you can help them better. You can't push people ahead of you. You can't drag them behind you. But you can walk at their pace alongside them. I love that. That's where God is with me right now.

He knows my worries. He knows my fears. He knows my questions. He knows my doubts. He knows my weaknesses. He's still there alongside me. Because I wait with hope that He will carry me. Because I wait with hope that He will help me.

annabelle smith

"I love it when a good plan works out."

Liam Neeson is good. One of my favorites. We took the kids out tonight to spend a little family time. Interesting family time. First, we visited my cousin, Jami, in the hospital. She gave birth to her 5th child on Thursday. This time around has been a little difficult for her, so I've been spending some time with her at the hospital. We all went to visit again today. Funny we ran into my parents there! That's always fun! I love my mom and dad...and I love that my kids love them.

Then we went to another hospital to visit a dear friend of ours in ICU. He had a bad spell of scary high blood pressure. He seems to be doing better and better, and it was good that we could go encourage him.

Then we were off to have an adventure...we went to Taco Cabana for the first time. I had a pretty good experience. Even ate some jalapenos. Not sure why. But I'm crazy like that.

Then we decided to go see The A-Team. We loved it! I laughed. It felt good to laugh. Great movie. And I just really want to send a memo to Liam and ask him not to wear gray hair. It takes away his edge. He's really got an image to maintain. The gray kind of softened him up in this movie. Didn't take away from his blue eyes though. Not that they are any match for my husband's amazing eyes. You can get lost in those things, I tell ya. Sean's eyes. Not Liam's.

So, Liam, grab a bottle of Just For Men on the way home, would ya? Ok then.

learning the ropes

So, my work did a ropes course today. For some odd reason, I could not pass on the chance to be outdoors...doing something adventurous...and getting paid to do it. Who else could pass that up? Seriously?

Well. Obviously I have forgotten a few things. I forgot that I am 33 years old. I forgot that I haven't exercised in who knows how long. I forgot that I am overweight. I forgot that I can't push myself past my own fears. So, knowing that I forgot all these very important things...I went to the ropes course!

I went ahead and harnessed up with everyone else. I soon realized I probably wouldn't get a turn at the elements with so many kids there. I began to feel a bit relieved. But ever the prideful one, I made sure all the kids were getting a turn. I was there for the kids, right? The kids are the most important thing, right?

I took a girl with me who is afraid...not more afraid than yours truly though. She put on her brave face and climbed up the pole to the zip line. Without any encouragement from me. Then when she got to the top, she was too afraid to come down on the zip line. I began talking to her and encouraging her from the ground. My efforts weren't working.

I quickly realized I would have to climb up the stupid pole and go down with her! My gut immediately began the roller coaster ride of emotions! I knew the girl would be upset with herself if she didn't finish the element. So, I connect to the belay and start climbing up the pole. Much to my great surprise, I made it up the pole...only faintly out of breath.

Then I freaked out. Internally. I was up on the platform. This girl was not going down the zip line without me doing it with her. I was in the same predicament she was! Isn't it ironic, don't ya think? Thank you, Alanis.

So, the girl said she would go if I went first. Here comes my co-worker, Mike. Holy fire. That's all I needed. A co-worker to witness how much of a chicken I really am. Then the facilitator says, "On the count of 3, walk off the platform." I refrain from peeing my pants as well as fight the urge to puke. I look over at the girl and realize this is no time for me to be scared. I have to go and show her I can do it...so she can do it. I try to remember to breathe. I look at Mike and say, "Mike, I gotta sit down and go. I can't walk off the platform!" I look at the facilitator and say, "Dude, you gotta loosen my belay so I can sit down."

Mike says in an ever so quiet voice, "Tonya, I think you need to challenge yourself and not sit down." Right at that moment...in my mind...I slapped the fire out of him. But I knew he was right. So, the facilitator counted to 3...

And Mike and I walked off the platform. I screamed. Then in a split second, I realized what I did! It was awesome. I looked back and saw the girl still standing on the platform. I had to feel bad for her and proud of myself all at the same time. I flipped upside down and finished the zip line!

You can only do so much for people. I can't do things for people. They can only do for themselves. I can encourage and help. I felt so bad for this girl who was mad at herself later for not finishing the element. I couldn't do anything about her feelings. I can help her work through them so she can challenge herself next time she is in a situation to face her fears. But I can't do it for her. She has to do it. I might have climbed back down the pole had Mike not been up there with me! And besides, I took my sons with me. They aren't scared of anything. So, I had to prove to them that 'ol mom is pretty adventurous. Oh crap. Who am I kidding?! Devon's reaction said it all after I told him I did the element and went upside down...he said, "You did?!" But maybe it earned me some cool points.

I learned something today. I learned the ropes.

I was up late last night. Another night I couldn't sleep. I decided to watch Girl, Interrupted again. Wynona Ryder playing a girl with Borderline Personality Disorder. What does that mean? Borderline? What is she on the borderline of? I just keep thinking and wondering, not even looking up what the disorder even really is.

But something in the movie got to me. The scene where Whoopi Goldberg comes to check on Wynona right after the character Brittany Murphy plays kills herself. They talk about feelings. I can't remember what the lines are exactly. But I can say what it got me thinking.

Feelings can be scary. Emotions can be overwhelming. I deal with that on a daily basis in my job. Learning what to do with myself when I see and hear other people who are out of control. These people have real problems. Real drama. Real crises. But all those things belong to those people. Not me. That is hard to accept. I don't want to be fake. I don't want to be patronizing. I want to be real. I want people to know I care. But I gotta own my own problems. I can't own someone else's. And so, I let or allow the emotions and feelings I have about my job and my clients come over me. But I can't let them linger. I can't let them stay on me. It doesn't mean I don't care. It just means I'm learning that I can't fix anyone but myself. That, too, is hard to accept when I see so many things I want to fix!

I'm learning it's healthy to accept my feelings and emotions. Just because I feel a certain way doesn't necessarily mean anything bad or negative. When I get real with myself and admit I feel angry or sad or whatever...I'm being real. I'm not denying or hiding what or who I am. I see the value and power in that. Being real with myself about all of me...about who I am...is the most freeing thing. I don't have to make apologies. I don't have to make excuses. I don't have to hide. I can be free. I can be me. No matter what that means.

Now. To try and actually live that way tomorrow!

dualing

Maybe dualing isn't a good title for this post. Dual implies two, and I have way more than two thoughts in my head right now.


It's Father's Day weekend. Many mixed emotions. We won't be able to celebrate with my father-in-law this time. That is very bittersweet. It's comforting to know that Rusty is fully healed and in Heaven. But I still miss him. Our whole family misses him very much. Rusty was so, so sweet.

This photo was taken in Joplin at Bella Peppers. We ate together and celebrated Rusty and Janie's 40th wedding anniversary...March 2008.

My parents came up to spend the day with us for Father's Day. My dad took us to Big Splash! How funny is it that my dad treated us on what was supposed to be his day. That's just the kind of guy my dad is. He's awesome! I had a lot of fun today with my parents and Sean and my boys. Swimming. Laughing. We couldn't leave the park without dad and Sean making me go down the Silver Bullet. The only other time I went down that slide was when dad made me...when I was in high school! I got to the top and told myself not to look down. Just sit down and go! But how can you not look down?! Of course I looked down! And I got scared and almost didn't go. But. I did. And it was fun. I screamed the whole way down of course. Mom said she heard me as she was waiting in line at the other water slides. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to overcome her fear. Right? And the most satisfying thing is getting off the slide putting my swimsuit back where it goes in all the appropriate places...knowing I just went down the Silver Bullet...and all the people watching didn't! I did it!

This picture is of Dad and Zach. We were hanging out on the porch just talking. Zach was entertaining us. My dad loves people, loves kids, loves helping all of them.

Tomorrow is a sad day. Tomorrow will be one year that Meghan died. I remember the phone call. It was a Saturday morning. It was early for a Saturday. About 7am or so. Sean and I were sleeping in. My phone rang, and just before I missed the call I saw it was dad. Almost annoyed that my dad would call that early on a Saturday, I decided to wait and call him back later. Then Sean's phone rang. He saw it was my dad, so he answered. Sean got out of bed immediately. I heard the sound of shock in his voice. It's sad that I know what the inflection in someone's voice means. My mom's side of the family has certainly not been unfamiliar with death. Death is a natural part of life, but it seems much more natural for my mom's side of the family. Certainly in a spiritual sense, these deaths have me asking a lot of questions. We've lost someone from each generation.

This is dad giving Meghan away at her wedding. July 25, 2008.

I have to remember her. Meghan was so funny, and I always laughed with her. She could be so sassy yet she was so caring. It's hard to know what to say about her. Or maybe it's harder to identify how I feel about her being gone. I miss her so much. She was my cousin by blood, but she was my sister in our hearts. Gone before her 22nd birthday. Gone before her 1 year wedding anniversary. It doesn't seem fair. And I'm reminded that who am I to decide what is fair. Meghan's days were pre-ordained by God before she was even conceived. I miss her. And I wonder what happened that night. Why and how she and her husband lost control of the truck. It's so hard to believe she is really gone. Her funeral was closed casket. No real closure and seeing her one last time to say good-bye. I miss her. so. so. so. so. so. so. so. much.

This is me, Meg, and Terri. Meghan's wedding day. Terri and I had a blast helping Meg plan her special day.

Well, it's all coming back to me now. I forgot that I want to make the most of my time with family. Enjoy my family. Enjoy my time with them while I'm with them.