Caution!

"Somebody stop me!" I think that's Jim Carrey's famous line from Ace Ventura, right? I'm really feeling that line in my own life lately.

Even more so since Romans 13:11 caught my attention today. I quote it from The Message for you: "But make sure that you don't get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God." Pretty intense, I think.

I get so caught up in what I'm doing or what the next thing I'm supposed to do is. I usually blame "our crazy city life." I was really convicted as I stopped to reflect on that verse. I don't take time to slow down. I don't take time to just stop and breathe. I don't stop to remember Christ. I don't stop to acknowledge Him. Is He really my everything? Is He really what my life is about?

I'm thinking about posting some of these signs around my house, maybe one in my car...just to give me a visual reminder that I need to stop, slow down and be mindful of Christ. These last 6-7 months, it's becoming more and more real to me that I am in control of my life. I've known that. But I haven't lived it. I'm in control of my thoughts. I'm in control of my actions. I don't always have to wait and just react. It's my responsibility to take the initiative and be mindful of Christ working in my life. It's my choice to be thankful. It's my choice to be happy. It's my choice.

But I can't make those good decisions if I don't slow down. So, here's to moving forward...slowly!

Counting

What a week it's been! Thanksgiving time with family (or at least some of them); the traditional Black Friday shopping and breakfast at Braum's with my parents; my father-in-law is admitted to the hospital for four days; and I had a tooth pulled yesterday.

I've been thinking a lot about, well, just a lot of things. The holiday season is here. I was just in awe last week as I listened to some of my clients, the younger ones. One has been missing school because he lost his only pair of shoes. The other said his mom wasn't cooking Thanksgiving dinner because she didn't have a pan for a turkey...and I suspect they didn't even have money to buy a turkey. The reasons for not having money for food are a whole other debate, but still, the kids had to miss out. That got me to thinking.

The kid that lost his only pair of shoes....how many pairs of shoes do I have in my closet. I've been too afraid to go in and count them. When I was shopping with my parent on Friday, we had brought along one of my cousins. She is 13. I was asking her what her family does for Christmas. She said, "Nothing." Her parents don't buy presents. She does get stuff from her grandma, so she's not completely without. But I felt like such a low-life. Here me and my parents are dragging her from store to store buying Christmas presents! Here we are making a big deal about what to get for who and what color and what size! Ok, she did want to come...but, seriously...what am I doing? Makes me not want to buy any presents. Makes me want to return the ones I already bought.

What are the holidays really about? Food? Gifts? Decorations? Credit card limits? Wrapping paper? Lights? Finding the perfect pumpkin? I don't want to be extreme, but I think I need to find in my own heart the reason I do what I do during the holidays. What am I teaching my own kids? "Make your list early, so we can find all the things you want!" Wow.

I think Christ wants me to remember Him first of all, and my family and be thankful for what I do have. He has given me so much. This has been a very trying year, but He has sustained me and provided for me...even through my stupidity and bad decisions. I am blessed. I have a husband who is an awesome man and so good to me. He is my best friend. What more could I ask for? I have three kids who have changed my life and who are way more gracious to me than I deserve. I have parents that are supportive and loving. I have a mother and father-in-law who are caring and so loving. I could keep listing these blessings! There are many!

Four of my blessings will arrive in Oklahoma on Friday! My sister, brother-in-law and niece and nephew are coming for a visit!! Woohooooo!!! I can't wait! I love my sister. I love my brother-in-law. I love Katie and Zach too. I can't wait to spend some time with them!

getter

So, I probably should be leaving for work right now. I can't make myself get up and get out the door! Could be tired from yesterday...I acted as Megatron and defeated Optimus Prime with one of my clients who is 4. Then I played a game of one-on-one basketball with another client who is 10. I had a hard day yesterday. I mean what with defeating Optimus Prime and everything. And I did beat the kid at basketball. I'm not proud of beating a 10 year old, but I'm just saying.

I'm dragging this morning. I've got a long day ahead of me. Dear Body, please don't tell me you can only make it if you have Mountain Dew or Dr. Pepper. I just don't want you to have it. Please don't fight with me. Don't make me hurt you. I can take you, you know. Try me.

MPG

I've been hearing lots of talk about keeping my tank full. Trying to define what drains me and what fills me up. Am I really a car? What is my mpg? Someone should tape a sign to my back with all my features.

I was at a leadership retreat last weekend with my church. Our speaker/facilitator talked about finding things that fill up your tank. He challenged us to identify what we look like when we're full, when we're empty, and everything in between. You have to know yourself pretty well to do that, I think. I have heard this same man talk about this very same subject before. I started to get uncomfortable when I realized I never did anything about my "tank" the first time I heard this. Sean and I talked together, and we discovered some good indicators for him. I was able to write a few things on my list that I know fill me up. But I still couldn't figure out any indicators. What are my own warning signs to tell me that I need to stop in for fill-up? I couldn't think of any. We didn't have a whole lot of time anyway to really sit down and think on this.

This week at work has been another draining week. Looking back I can see that my tank was pretty empty. It doesn't work when you try to drain an almost empty tank! Work doesn't try and drain me on purpose. It's just that the type of work I do is draining anyway. I've only been seeing clients for 3 weeks. You know, God has really been affirming to me through others that He has given me this gift to care and feel deeply for others. People open up to me about their problems. I recognized that when I was a lot younger. Now, I'm wondering if it's a gift! It makes for a hard time for me at work. The stories these people tell me! I know I can't fix these people. Only God can. How in the world do I help?! Especially without talking about God? How in the world do these people have hope????? There is none!!!

But what happened yesterday I couldn't ignore. Crying because I wouldn't have time to eat lunch was my indicator! I really have just been thrown into my job. I don't mind that so much really. I like having to figure things out on my own. It means I can do it the way I want! But I'm dealing with real people, real life, and real trauma here. I don't know what to do with it. Anyway. So, I'm pretty sure I was on the verge of quitting yesterday. Just walking out. I even cancelled one of my clients. I called my supervisor. We sat down and talked. He told me to calm down and just breathe. Great answer. I'm just going to have to ease into this slower than what we were all trying to do.

But, my supervisor brought up my "tank." He asked what I do to fill myself up. I better get serious about knowing my indicators. I better get serious about taking care of myself. If I really take care of myself, I wonder how many miles per gallon I'll get?

conversations in my head

Life: "Tonya, I'm going to stir things up for you a bit and see if you can handle it."
Tonya: "Um. Well, ok. Let's see what you got."
Life: "How about Situation A? Situation B? Situation C? D? E? F?"
Tonya: "Bring it."
Life: "How about more? (insert evil laugh here)"
Tonya: "What the heck..." (note the panic face)
God: "Tonya, I am in control."
Tonya: "Oh crap. I forgot...again."

Is there ever a time when things are not being stirred up in my life? This year has been like a whirlpool. My head has been spinning since April, and I think I'm starting to get dizzy. Just when everything slows down to a slower pace, someone or something rocks my world again. And the spinning commences. Sometimes spinning is good. It moves things around so nothing has a chance to get stagnant.

Maybe I'm supposed to feel like one of those homemade ice cream makers. The most important part of the process is turning the crank on the machine. You can't stop turning the handle...until it's perfect. Interesting analogy.

I was at a leadership retreat this weekend. Discussing more Birkman Leadership stuff. That stuff is so simple yet powerful. I discovered so much about my team. I discovered even more about myself. Two powerful things hit me early, early Saturday morning: (1) I have to learn to say the good "f" word, and (2) I feel safe now in my environment. Both of those are powerful releases. If I can say that "f" word...wow. Acknowledging that I feel safe with my team...wow. Those two things are freeing for me personally.

Self-discovery = power = freedom = wholeness. That's my goal. That's what I want. So, no matter how I got to this place I'm at, at least I'm closer to my goal.

normal

My new job keeps throwing new challenges at me. I'm fine with that. As long as I can handle them I guess. So far so good. Yesterday I met some clients for the first time. These meetings were supposed to be brief introductions. One of the therapists I'm working with warned me before going in the home that this woman is very paranoid and closed off. He said she probably wouldn't talk to me, but she did want to meet me because she is very interested in the rehab services I will be doing for the agency. So, we knocked on the door and went in.

Almost an hour and a half later, I walked out in much surprise. Too many emotions and thoughts going through me to even try and process. I've really tried not to put too many expectations or pictures in my head because I just don't know what people will be like. The lady totally opened up with me and shared a great deal about her life and struggles. Rape by family members. Molested by family members. Paranoia. Obesity. Mental health issues. Physical health issues. Her daughter hears voices and has sadly experienced some of the same trauma. And the woman broke. She sobbed.

I desperately wanted to cry with her and for her. In the midst of all her sadness, she dried her tears and started talking about all the things she's overcome. My heart broke as she started crying again and said, "I just want a normal life." I get tears in my eyes now replaying the conversation. Everyone wants a normal life. But I heard what she meant...she knows the things that have happened to her are not normal. She wants to be recovered. She wants freedom from the things that torment her. She wants something different and better than what she is forced to deal with. I'm just amazed by her strength and determination.

I struggled sitting there watching and listening. Doesn't God offer hope in these situations? Doesn't God offer healing? Doesn't He offer peace? But I could not minister those things to this woman. And I realized part of me was getting angry. Angry because my job won't let me talk about God. Angry because of what has happened to this woman. Angry that she doesn't feel safe. Angry. The therapist warned me. He warned me about several things: having a plan to de-stress after a day of work and not carrying these clients around with me. But how?

So, a couple of funny things happened though. The first was that I told one mother that I did hate kids. I'm sure that comforted her greatly since I was there to work with her son. That was a winning moment. The other was when I freaked out when a mouse ran across the floor in one home. I did keep my composure in front of the family.

And now for the Moment of the Day. The client is 8 years old.
Therapist: So, how's the client's pet lizard?
Mom of client: Oh, fine. Before client left, client left strict instructions with little brother on how to take care of lizard. Lizard is good. Just ate. Had to buy crickets for it to eat. Can you believe this container of crickets cost $5?
Therapist: Well, why don't you just feed him the roaches that crawl around your house?
Me: (telling myself repeatedly that this is normal)
Mom of client: Yeah, I know. Then I wouldn't have to buy crickets. Save me some money. But my son said he doesn't want to feed the lizard the roaches because they have been in the poison traps. If the lizard eats the roaches, he might get poisioned and die.
Therapist: Yeah, there you go.
Me: Wow. That makes sense.

And it did.

fa, fa, fa, friday

It's Friday. I'm home alone. The house is quiet. Just me and the dog. I don't mind it all. The kids are off playing sports in Missouri. Wish I was there watching them. The husband is off in some half-n-half town, Talucogee...what? He's leading worship for a work event. Why do people make up names of towns that are half of one town and half of another? Tahlequah +Muskogee = Tahlekogee. What? Texas + Oklahoma = Texhoma. What? Arkansas + Oklahoma = Arkoma. What? Seriously.

I've been seriously aching to buy more MAC makeup. So, I like makeup. So. They have such neat stuff out right now. I'm missing out!

So, in much bigger, more grown up news, my work passed its accreditation survey this week. Easiest process the boss has ever been through he says. It's been an interesting couple of weeks at work I'd say. But the stressful, nerve-wracking event is over. Now on to more stressful things! Next, I will be introduced to clients. Real live people who are counting on me to help them and teach them. Crap! That's a lot of pressure! Luckily, I work with two great therapists. They really are great. In other news, during this crazy time, I managed to amaze my boss. So, I think my job is secure for a few more weeks. Ahem.

With that peace of mind, I'm going back to sewing on the t-shirt quilt I'm making.