annabelle smith

"I love it when a good plan works out."

Liam Neeson is good. One of my favorites. We took the kids out tonight to spend a little family time. Interesting family time. First, we visited my cousin, Jami, in the hospital. She gave birth to her 5th child on Thursday. This time around has been a little difficult for her, so I've been spending some time with her at the hospital. We all went to visit again today. Funny we ran into my parents there! That's always fun! I love my mom and dad...and I love that my kids love them.

Then we went to another hospital to visit a dear friend of ours in ICU. He had a bad spell of scary high blood pressure. He seems to be doing better and better, and it was good that we could go encourage him.

Then we were off to have an adventure...we went to Taco Cabana for the first time. I had a pretty good experience. Even ate some jalapenos. Not sure why. But I'm crazy like that.

Then we decided to go see The A-Team. We loved it! I laughed. It felt good to laugh. Great movie. And I just really want to send a memo to Liam and ask him not to wear gray hair. It takes away his edge. He's really got an image to maintain. The gray kind of softened him up in this movie. Didn't take away from his blue eyes though. Not that they are any match for my husband's amazing eyes. You can get lost in those things, I tell ya. Sean's eyes. Not Liam's.

So, Liam, grab a bottle of Just For Men on the way home, would ya? Ok then.

learning the ropes

So, my work did a ropes course today. For some odd reason, I could not pass on the chance to be outdoors...doing something adventurous...and getting paid to do it. Who else could pass that up? Seriously?

Well. Obviously I have forgotten a few things. I forgot that I am 33 years old. I forgot that I haven't exercised in who knows how long. I forgot that I am overweight. I forgot that I can't push myself past my own fears. So, knowing that I forgot all these very important things...I went to the ropes course!

I went ahead and harnessed up with everyone else. I soon realized I probably wouldn't get a turn at the elements with so many kids there. I began to feel a bit relieved. But ever the prideful one, I made sure all the kids were getting a turn. I was there for the kids, right? The kids are the most important thing, right?

I took a girl with me who is afraid...not more afraid than yours truly though. She put on her brave face and climbed up the pole to the zip line. Without any encouragement from me. Then when she got to the top, she was too afraid to come down on the zip line. I began talking to her and encouraging her from the ground. My efforts weren't working.

I quickly realized I would have to climb up the stupid pole and go down with her! My gut immediately began the roller coaster ride of emotions! I knew the girl would be upset with herself if she didn't finish the element. So, I connect to the belay and start climbing up the pole. Much to my great surprise, I made it up the pole...only faintly out of breath.

Then I freaked out. Internally. I was up on the platform. This girl was not going down the zip line without me doing it with her. I was in the same predicament she was! Isn't it ironic, don't ya think? Thank you, Alanis.

So, the girl said she would go if I went first. Here comes my co-worker, Mike. Holy fire. That's all I needed. A co-worker to witness how much of a chicken I really am. Then the facilitator says, "On the count of 3, walk off the platform." I refrain from peeing my pants as well as fight the urge to puke. I look over at the girl and realize this is no time for me to be scared. I have to go and show her I can do it...so she can do it. I try to remember to breathe. I look at Mike and say, "Mike, I gotta sit down and go. I can't walk off the platform!" I look at the facilitator and say, "Dude, you gotta loosen my belay so I can sit down."

Mike says in an ever so quiet voice, "Tonya, I think you need to challenge yourself and not sit down." Right at that moment...in my mind...I slapped the fire out of him. But I knew he was right. So, the facilitator counted to 3...

And Mike and I walked off the platform. I screamed. Then in a split second, I realized what I did! It was awesome. I looked back and saw the girl still standing on the platform. I had to feel bad for her and proud of myself all at the same time. I flipped upside down and finished the zip line!

You can only do so much for people. I can't do things for people. They can only do for themselves. I can encourage and help. I felt so bad for this girl who was mad at herself later for not finishing the element. I couldn't do anything about her feelings. I can help her work through them so she can challenge herself next time she is in a situation to face her fears. But I can't do it for her. She has to do it. I might have climbed back down the pole had Mike not been up there with me! And besides, I took my sons with me. They aren't scared of anything. So, I had to prove to them that 'ol mom is pretty adventurous. Oh crap. Who am I kidding?! Devon's reaction said it all after I told him I did the element and went upside down...he said, "You did?!" But maybe it earned me some cool points.

I learned something today. I learned the ropes.

I was up late last night. Another night I couldn't sleep. I decided to watch Girl, Interrupted again. Wynona Ryder playing a girl with Borderline Personality Disorder. What does that mean? Borderline? What is she on the borderline of? I just keep thinking and wondering, not even looking up what the disorder even really is.

But something in the movie got to me. The scene where Whoopi Goldberg comes to check on Wynona right after the character Brittany Murphy plays kills herself. They talk about feelings. I can't remember what the lines are exactly. But I can say what it got me thinking.

Feelings can be scary. Emotions can be overwhelming. I deal with that on a daily basis in my job. Learning what to do with myself when I see and hear other people who are out of control. These people have real problems. Real drama. Real crises. But all those things belong to those people. Not me. That is hard to accept. I don't want to be fake. I don't want to be patronizing. I want to be real. I want people to know I care. But I gotta own my own problems. I can't own someone else's. And so, I let or allow the emotions and feelings I have about my job and my clients come over me. But I can't let them linger. I can't let them stay on me. It doesn't mean I don't care. It just means I'm learning that I can't fix anyone but myself. That, too, is hard to accept when I see so many things I want to fix!

I'm learning it's healthy to accept my feelings and emotions. Just because I feel a certain way doesn't necessarily mean anything bad or negative. When I get real with myself and admit I feel angry or sad or whatever...I'm being real. I'm not denying or hiding what or who I am. I see the value and power in that. Being real with myself about all of me...about who I am...is the most freeing thing. I don't have to make apologies. I don't have to make excuses. I don't have to hide. I can be free. I can be me. No matter what that means.

Now. To try and actually live that way tomorrow!

dualing

Maybe dualing isn't a good title for this post. Dual implies two, and I have way more than two thoughts in my head right now.


It's Father's Day weekend. Many mixed emotions. We won't be able to celebrate with my father-in-law this time. That is very bittersweet. It's comforting to know that Rusty is fully healed and in Heaven. But I still miss him. Our whole family misses him very much. Rusty was so, so sweet.

This photo was taken in Joplin at Bella Peppers. We ate together and celebrated Rusty and Janie's 40th wedding anniversary...March 2008.

My parents came up to spend the day with us for Father's Day. My dad took us to Big Splash! How funny is it that my dad treated us on what was supposed to be his day. That's just the kind of guy my dad is. He's awesome! I had a lot of fun today with my parents and Sean and my boys. Swimming. Laughing. We couldn't leave the park without dad and Sean making me go down the Silver Bullet. The only other time I went down that slide was when dad made me...when I was in high school! I got to the top and told myself not to look down. Just sit down and go! But how can you not look down?! Of course I looked down! And I got scared and almost didn't go. But. I did. And it was fun. I screamed the whole way down of course. Mom said she heard me as she was waiting in line at the other water slides. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to overcome her fear. Right? And the most satisfying thing is getting off the slide putting my swimsuit back where it goes in all the appropriate places...knowing I just went down the Silver Bullet...and all the people watching didn't! I did it!

This picture is of Dad and Zach. We were hanging out on the porch just talking. Zach was entertaining us. My dad loves people, loves kids, loves helping all of them.

Tomorrow is a sad day. Tomorrow will be one year that Meghan died. I remember the phone call. It was a Saturday morning. It was early for a Saturday. About 7am or so. Sean and I were sleeping in. My phone rang, and just before I missed the call I saw it was dad. Almost annoyed that my dad would call that early on a Saturday, I decided to wait and call him back later. Then Sean's phone rang. He saw it was my dad, so he answered. Sean got out of bed immediately. I heard the sound of shock in his voice. It's sad that I know what the inflection in someone's voice means. My mom's side of the family has certainly not been unfamiliar with death. Death is a natural part of life, but it seems much more natural for my mom's side of the family. Certainly in a spiritual sense, these deaths have me asking a lot of questions. We've lost someone from each generation.

This is dad giving Meghan away at her wedding. July 25, 2008.

I have to remember her. Meghan was so funny, and I always laughed with her. She could be so sassy yet she was so caring. It's hard to know what to say about her. Or maybe it's harder to identify how I feel about her being gone. I miss her so much. She was my cousin by blood, but she was my sister in our hearts. Gone before her 22nd birthday. Gone before her 1 year wedding anniversary. It doesn't seem fair. And I'm reminded that who am I to decide what is fair. Meghan's days were pre-ordained by God before she was even conceived. I miss her. And I wonder what happened that night. Why and how she and her husband lost control of the truck. It's so hard to believe she is really gone. Her funeral was closed casket. No real closure and seeing her one last time to say good-bye. I miss her. so. so. so. so. so. so. so. much.

This is me, Meg, and Terri. Meghan's wedding day. Terri and I had a blast helping Meg plan her special day.

Well, it's all coming back to me now. I forgot that I want to make the most of my time with family. Enjoy my family. Enjoy my time with them while I'm with them.

Moonlight & Roses

Tonight was my daughter's first prom. Her junior prom. We had a blast getting ready for it. Picking out the dress. Practicing the perfect makeup. Fun memories.

My daughter with her best friend, Cara, and their dates.

My daughter and her best friend, Cara

My daughter is the most gorgeous girl. Ever. Simply stunning and beautiful.

My daughter and her date, Parker

stop, drop & roll

It's been a while since I had to participate in a fire drill. High school. I think that's the last time I ever talked about or practiced what to do in case of a fire.

I always thought fire drills were strange. I mean if there's a fire, you get out of or get away from whatever is on fire! Pretty much basic common sense.

But I guess kids don't have basic common sense. I know my own children don't sometimes. Why is common sense so common? It's not! We have to learn common sense! People are not born with common sense. We are taught everything we know whether by instruction or modeling.

So, I think myself, as an adult, can at times lack basic common sense. Take yesterday for example.

I went to an elementary school to see one of my clients. I brought a new game to try with this kid. I was into the game! We were getting it all set up. Putting the container together. It was one of those games where you put plastic sticks in all the different holes...through the container. Then after you get the sticks in, you put marbles on top of the sticks. Then, you take turns pulling the sticks out. Whoever makes all the marbles fall, loses! So, we were getting this game set up. I was trying to put the sticks in very strategic places so I could pull them out later and not make any marbles fall. Call it cheating if you want. I was just using basic common sense.

I jumped off my seat when the fire alarm started blaring loudly. Because of state testing this week, my client and I were in the cafeteria. I had this game spread out all over the table. I had also brought art supplies...markers, colored pencils, crayons, drawing paper, construction paper, chalks, oil pastels, etc. The stuff was everywhere.

The kid did not seemed phased at all about the fire alarm going off. So, we just kept messing with our game. Until an official, school-looking authority type lady came walking through the cafeteria. I was making eye contact with her as if she could read my mind. One of those women intuition type looks.

You know, if you don't have basic common sense, you might not have basic woman intutition either. If you're a woman.

So, as we awkwardly look at each other, I say, "So, do we need to go somewhere?" Then I realize that was a dumb question, and I hope she doesn't yell back, "Yeah, you can go to hell!" Sometimes these school ladies are mean. Especially if they have gray hair. And she did. And glasses.

She didn't yell anything at all. So, maybe some gray-haired, bespectacled school ladies are nice. It's a theory. She responded, "Yes, you need to go outside." But I still just sat there. I looked at my stuff. I was trying to decide how much it would cost to replace all my materials if, indeed, the school really was on fire.

So, I turn back to the school lady and ask, "Do I just leave my stuff here? Will I be able to come back and get it?" She smiles a polite smile and answers, "Yes, you can come back for it." Maybe I wouldn't have felt so dumb had she explained this was only a fire DRILL!

So, then I realize that I have a kid with me. So, I ask her yet another question, "Do I need to find this kid's teacher?" She says, "Yes, find the teacher when you go outside and let the teacher know the student is ok."

So, the kid and I go outside. We start looking for the teacher. Of course, using basic common sense, I ask the kid, "What does your teacher look like? Do you remember what she was wearing today?" He says.........."no." Nice. Good one, kid. How long do you look at this woman all day, 5 days a week? Seriously? I point out some teachers asking if that is this kid's teacher. I point out about 4. To EACH ONE, he initially says, "Yeah, that's her!" So, we begin walking towards the teacher. As we get closer, he says, "Oh, no, that's not her."

Kid, I'm about to take you over to the sand pit and fill your underwear with sand.

As I'm trying to figure out what to do next, I see more classes filing out of the school. So, we start looking for other teachers. I'm trying to figure out how long this is going to last. My game is still inside!

Then the principal calls out on the intercom, "Ok, students, good job! Congrats on getting out so quickly! You may no re-enter the building." Like I said, there were still students coming out of the building!

We never found my client's teacher. But at least I got all my supplies out of the cafeteria.

And I guess more importantly, I now know what to do in a school fire drill. It was a good day.

spinning round

Where do I even begin? God answers prayers in funny ways. Sometimes He even answers prayers we forget we prayed. Maybe even He sometimes does things that cause us to pray certain prayers. I don't know what happened this past week, but my mind is spinning.

There is a housing project out in West Tulsa that I go to visit clients. I have two families that live there. Both households have single women with children. One woman, Sarah*, has not stopped talking about God since I met her back in October. In my position, I'm not allowed to initiate conversation about God. I can talk freely when a client initiates the subject though. Well, I have watched Sarah sit and cry and mope around her house. Her 18 year old son moved out and across the street to live with her best friend, Jane*. About a month ago, Sarah made the decision to put her kids in a children's home. There is just so much to these stories.

But slowly I have been able to gain the trust of both these women. Last week, Sarah talked about wanting to go to church. I invited her to come with me. A few days later, Jane also said she would like to go to church. I invited her as well. Both women and their children came to church on Easter Sunday. They loved the service. Their kids loved it. Well, not all their kids came.

I saw both women today. I've been praying God would guide me in knowing what to do with these women. It's all happening so fast!! I am their counselor. Them coming to church has changed the dynamic of our relationship. I'm ok with that. I just don't know where to go from here. Today, Jane asked me to help her find a Bible study. Well, I'm not going to help her find one. I'm going to lead it!

She's going to talk to a couple of her neighbors, and we are planning on starting a Bible study next week in her home. Just two weeks ago, I was telling Sean that I wanted to do something like this. And in a matter of a few minutes, it happened.

This is all so crazy! God is sooo faithful. I can't believe He would choose to use me and allow me to be a part of all this! It just blows my mind! I never thought I would have the courage to do something like this.

So. I can't wait to see where this wild ride takes me next. But I'll be sure to keep you posted. :)