Reflecting

Everyone else has gone to bed. I'm still up perusing facebook.

It happens every time I get to visit with my sister. As the time closes in for her and her family to head back home, I start getting this feeling in the pit of my stomach. No, it's not all the soda I drank. No, it's not all the candy and sweets I devoured. It never fails. Sadness. My sister lives 10 hours away, and visiting each other just isn't that convenient. Regret. Why didn't we spend more time talking or playing cards or just laughing? Fear. What if I don't get to see her on the next planned vacation?

Yet, there are positive emotions, too. Warmth. Just being with my sister and being able to do stuff together makes my heart happy. Peace. There's nothing like being with people who love you no matter what. Love. If even for a few short days, nothing can replace that time of getting to share life with my sister, my brother-in-law, my niece and nephew.

Even though the sadness, regret and fear creep in, I focus on the warmth, the peace and the love. If I keep focusing on the negative, I will miss the wonderful moments I do have with my family.

Family. People. Others. Relationships.

It's what life is all about. I wasn't meant to be alone, to fly solo. I guess I always thought that meant I was supposed to be married. That's not necessarily the case. God created me for relationship. Relationship with Him foremost. And relationship with others. I have really isolated myself over the last few years just because of personal and private circumstances in my life. I've been trying to survive and recover from the last 4 years of life. This new year will be different.

2014. I will enjoy and live in the moments I have with others. I want to learn from others. I want to treasure and focus on the positive and warm moments of life with my family and dear friends. I will learn from and focus on Christ.

Celiac

So, tomorrow I'm going to remember exactly how I'm feeling tonight because of all the gluten I ate today. Why do I randomly think I can eat it and not get sick?! I'm forgetful. Geez.

Holy fire

Today was so overwhelming! Paperwork to sign. Paperwork to read. Meeting new people. Remembering names. Looking at computers. Asking questions. Answering questions. Abbreviations! Memorizing different codes and numbers. My goodness! Learning new things are not easy...at all. But I didn't think learning new stuff would be so difficult. Near painful. Near panic attack painful. 

But I can do this. Learning to ride a bike wasn't easy. Learning to drive was scary. But I did it. I didn't give up. And I won't give up now. I'm not a quitter. I'm not a failure. 

I'm a learner.

First Day

Today was my first day of my new job. Such a change from my previous job. I'm so thankful I get to do the same thing! Amazing! 

It was a crazy day full of lots of information. Lots of people met and names to remember. Lots of paperwork signed. 

I'm excited for this new journey, this new chapter. It's time for a change in my life. Change is scary. Change is good. Change is healthy. I can't believe I'm writing these very things. But I actually believe them. I want to be unafraid and healthy.

So. I keep taking steps forward. I keep walking. 

I want what I want...

I just want what I want. Is that so bad? Why can't I want things? 

Because my life is not about me. I don't want my life to be about me. I fight that every single day. 

Living for yourself is one thing. Being single and whatever. Just because I'm not married or dating doesn't mean I'm not in a relationship. I'm in a relationship with God. So I choose not to live for myself and what I want. I choose to whole-heartedly be in this relationship with God. I may suck at being selfless, but I'm working on it. And I'm thankful God is patient with me doing so.

Thankfulness, Day 90

I'm thankful for goals. Thankful for the sense of pride and accomplishment I feel when I've achieved a goal. Thankful for the boost of self-confidence completed goals being. Thankful I have something to work towards.

Thankfulness, Day 32

I am thankful I'm aware of and have the opportunity to change, to progress. I don't want to be stuck. I am thankful there are people in my life who challenge me to grow.