It's all coming back to me now...

Look at you out on a big trip...

2011-07-10T17:00:00.000-05:00

I just got home from Las Vegas, New Mexico. What a great week visiting my sister and her family! As always, there is never enough time to spend with just me and my sister. She makes me laugh.

Speaking of laughing! My niece, Kaitlyn, makes me laugh the most, the loudest and the hardest! She is seriously my soul mate and mini-me! We might be twins separated at birth...and born in the wrong decades! She is such a little social bug, and she's not really afraid to try anything. That might be where we differ!

It was really a great, relaxing week. We hung out and played cards, hiked, shopped, and Sean and I got to cook dinner for the campers! Oh, and I went down the zip line on the ropes course..and played two pretty intense games of paint ball. Let's just say I have found a new love of shooting guns!

It was a whole family party! My parents, my cousin Vanessa, Sean, Devon and myself all went! Katie, Vanessa, mom and I all got airbrush tattoos. Mom, dad, Devon, Sean and I hiked up Hermit's Peak. I'm still sore from that 6 hour hike!! I did quite a nice tan from being in the sun so much. Too bad it's in the shape of my tank tops and not my swimsuit. Womp womp.

It was a much needed vacation. It was too short! I love the mountains! I love the cool air. I loved sleeping with the windows open. I loved eating fruit every day. I loved having gluten free food to eat. I loved playing cards. I loved having my sister nearby. I loved the views! I loved not dealing with humidity!

And today...now, I'm enjoying a pedicure and manicure to end the week with a real bang. My skin is so dry from being in high altitude.

It was a great week. I look forward to when my sister comes in December for Christmas!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Just Grand

2011-06-18T20:57:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting on the bank watching my family fish. I love being home. I love Grand Lake. I love spending time with my family.

In other news, I rediscovered my love for taking pictures outdoors. I was finally able to get my camera charged up and working again.

Taking pictures is something that recharges me. I don't have an impressive camera, but I love looking for cool angles and different colors.

What a good, good day!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

get well soon

2011-05-31T20:12:00.003-05:00

I have a box of puffs tissue by my bed. I haven't been sick in a couple of years. Then we got a new dog a couple of weeks ago. I can't stop playing with her or holding her. Every time I do, I start sneezing. And whatever is blowing around outside is not helping either! So, now I'm fighting some kind of sinus/allergy cold. So dumb.

I haven't talked much about it but I was diagnosed with Celiac disease in March. It has been rough adjusting and understanding all of it. I'm allergic to gluten. I get very sick when I eat any food with gluten in it. I didn't have any gluten for about 3 weeks, and I felt great! So. It's tough finding food and sticking to a gluten-free diet. I have another lab appointment coming up in a couple of weeks. The Doc is going to check my blood level again and see if I'm doing better. And it might be kinda hard to get an accurate reading...mainly because I've kinda been eating stuff I shouldn't. Ugh.

And now I am going to rest. Rest is good for when you don't feel good.

Joplin

2011-05-30T11:57:00.002-05:00

It's been very shocking and emotional to hear and see all that has gone in Joplin over the last week. I know it touches so many...of course, the ones that are current residents; but also, the many who have passed through town because of college.

It's been over 10 years since I lived in Joplin attending Ozark Christian College. My 5 years in that town was a very meaningful time. I made so many dear friends and had many great experiences. It's not my home, but that town is dear to me.

I've seen so many that I went to OCC with on facebook...praying, processing, sharing, serving. I wish I could go and help as well. My husband went for 2 days last week. He worked right by St. John's to search for 3 bodies. One was found.

It will take time to rebuild. Joplin may never be what it was. But it will be better and stronger. I pray that the many people directly affected by the tornado will be healed and stronger.

doh!

2011-05-28T22:52:00.002-05:00

Ever have one of those moments where you are caught off guard? I'm not talking about someone saying something funny and you shoot milk out of your nose. I'm talking about one of those moments where your whole life's purpose is questioned and you feel about a foot tall. Maybe you haven't.

But I did. It really wasn't so bad. But, I was caught completely off guard by one of my clients.

Jane* (names have been changed) is teenage client I see once a week. I've been seeing her for a few months. Wednesday was my last session with her. We talked about some closure type things, and I encouraged her with things we had worked on. I decided our last session called for ice cream. Any chance I get to have ice cream or Sonic happy hour...you know I take it!

As Jane and I got in my car, she noticed my work badge hanging from my rearview mirror. She grabbed it and read out loud, "Tonya Moore...Counselor. You used to be a counselor? When did you do that?"

Pause.

I have been "counseling" Jane for the past 5 months. We talk about issues. We develop skills for her to use.

I stopped breathing when Jane asked me that. I was caught in between wanting to laugh and wanting to cry.

Those types of moments really make you do some serious self-examination. Have I really helped Jane? Have I failed? Did I model poor boundaries to where Jane didn't realize we were doing counseling? What did Jane think I was doing with her every Monday? Why did Jane think I was coming to visit her?

After a mini-meltdown, I started breathing again.

Unpause.

I said to Jane, "Well, I'm still a counselor. Isn't that a crazy picture?!" I had to divert the conversation so I wasn't tempted to cry again!

I still haven't come up with any answers. But maybe my style, technique and method of in-home counseling is just what I want it to be. Disguisable yet challenging and effective. Getting to know my clients and earning their trust to challenge them to change and face fears...all under the disguise of scrapbooking, playing cards, taking walks, painting, etc.

Yep. At the end of a long day, that's what I like to tell myself. I'm doing my job so effectively that my clients can't tell I've "counseled" them.

Don't judge my boundaries. Or my self-confidence.

I'm just using my gifts. And I'm in awe of how God is working through me.

total recall

2011-03-26T00:29:00.001-05:00

well…or something like it. but most likely not. so much has happened in the last couple of months, I don’t even know where to begin. but I will say that I am typing on my new laptop. oh yeah!

2011-02-16T16:19:00.001-06:00

I've been giving advice to my daughter lately. Pretty good advice, I'd say. The only thing is that I really need to listen to it myself. Boo.

These words came out of mouth today to her: "Sometimes you just gotta swallow your pride and accept help." Ouch.

Soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I was talking to myself. Geez. Of course, I've been knowing that for several months. I just didn't want to do it. People tell me I'm stubborn. Um. No, I'm not. Well. Maybe a little.

She had a bad day. I just pulled her in my lap...even 19 year olds need cuddled by their mommas...and held her. Kinda made me wish someone would do that for me! I've been having a bad few months. Sometimes my bad days are no one's fault. Sometimes my bad days are a result of my own neglect to change my attitude...because of choices I made the day before...and other reasons.

But I think it's time I swallowed my pride and accepted help. I'm glad my daughter taught me something today. Or maybe I just wasn't as stubborn today.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

reflections

2011-01-31T23:29:00.002-06:00

Today Sean and I have been married 7 years. Sure goes by fast. And yet...I don't know how we made it this far. Ha! Because of the snow apocalypse coming, we celebrated by making a trip to Wal-Marts for candles and bottled water and such necessities. We did stop at Starbucks on the way home for a little anniversary coffee.

We ended the night by playing some Mortal Kombat on the xbox. Good times. As I was losing interest in the game (because I was losing), we heard the sleet start! Just a few minutes ago. We love the sound of rain hitting our roof. I love listening to the thunder. Just wish it wasn't ice/sleet.

And, I'm really not a fan of snow. I like snow in the mountains. Not in Tulsa. It snowed about this time last year. Sean and I went sledding with the kids last year. Maybe we'll get to again this year.

So. What have I learned in 7 years of marriage...with 3 teenagers?
1. Be thankful always
2. Be quick to forgive
3. Always fall asleep first. Because the snoring might keep you up.

I'm sure I've learned more than that. I'll have to compile a more conclusive list later. For now, I better get off here and get to bed before Sean.

every day is a winding road

2011-01-18T23:09:00.002-06:00

It's been an interesting few weeks. Ok. It's been an interesting few months. I've been having sleep issues and/or insomnia for about the last 10 months. My rest is starting to improve. At least I can see some improvement in my sleep patterns within the last few months. That's a good thing! I think.

Work continues to challenge, teach, and amaze me. I love my job. I love getting paid to talk with people, brainstorm for solutions to problems, brainstorm for activities to help families, and most of all...play! My dad teases me about my job. I get paid to take kids to the movies. I get paid to play checkers. I mostly lose at checkers, so I try not to play that too much. I've recently taken on 4 new clients, all teenage girls, at a children's home in the area. I love the environment and program for these girls. I'm excited to be a part of these girls' lives.

I'm a different person than I was when I started this job. The jury is still out on whether I've changed for good or bad! Yikes! I'm defnitely more relaxed. I've become a lot more open-minded. And maybe a little more crazy!

I want to start a Wacky Wednesday post. Each Wednesday I'll post my favorite work story of the week. Oh boy!

My sister and her family left yesterday after visiting for a week. I always hate saying goodbye! I have the sweetest niece and nephew. Nate and Terri are lots of fun to be with. We played and played and played cards. Wow! My niece is such a little sweetie. We were saying goodbye and hugging everyone yesterday. My mom started crying. Katie, my niece, saw my mom's tears. I was already holding Katie. She said, "I want Grama to hold me." So, I told mom. Mom took her and hugged her. Katie just laid her head on mom's shoulder and patted her back. It was the sweetest thing ever. My little 4-year old niece comforting her grandma. Kaitlyn is amazing. She is so smart. Sometimes too smart for her own good! She is so much fun to play with. She is always making me laugh. She wants to be a mom when she grows up...and be just like Terri. What an awesome compliment to Terri, my sister! Terri is an awesome mom! Man. I sure miss them!

Christmas - Part 1

2010-12-28T19:27:00.002-06:00

My neice, Maegen, and me. She is hilarious!

The Moore fam on Christmas Day

The crazy siblings!

Nerts anyone?? (Take note of the Tennessee Volunteer playing cards...that were not mine, but I got to play with them!)

Epictetus

2010-12-07T21:42:00.002-06:00

So, I'm reading this book for work right now, The Epictetus Club. It's pretty interesting. I can think of several spiritual analogies within the reading. A coworker and I are leading a group for an alternative school here in Tulsa. The book is very thought-provoking. The discussions that we've had with the group of kids is amazing.

Today, in chapter 5, we discussed how to determine what is within our control and what is not and how to tell the difference. How do we react or respond to the things we can't control. I believe there is a difference in reacting and responding to things that aren't within our control. Our attitudes and choices can make our lives pleasant and happy or crap.

It was interesting to listen to a different generation discuss these thoughts. These 17 & 18 year old kids...and granted I know they are in alternative school for a reason...all have the mentality and perspective that if someone does something they don't like then they have no choice but to retaliate. Some of that comes from their age...some from the environment they've been raised in...some from their culture. I get that. But it is so disturbing to me that they see no other options but verbal and physical harm.

The group of kids were really challenged to think today. As I was also. I even offered to the group that I don't always choose to respond to my own family. Sometimes I just react. That's not good. Today's discussion really challenged me more to stop and think. I didn't realize until recently how impulsive I can be.

I teach my clients to "Stop and Think!" I even made up a catchy song for the kids I see so they would remember! Now I'm learning from my own lessons. Life works like that, eh? It does.

The Epictetus Club is a easy, good read. True story. Check it out.

skanks...

2010-11-05T21:56:00.002-05:00

I like Katy Perry. I like her music. So. I can if I want. My daughter says Katy Perry is a skank, a slut. I don't know how she thinks she knows that. I mean really. I mean if I am a 30ish year old woman who likes skanky teenage music...well, so. And what's wrong with Lady Ga Ga? I mean just because these women have serious wardrobe issues...and just because they wear lots of makeup...it doesn't mean they can't provide fun music for me to drive to and clean my house to. Come on. I'm not gonna feel bad about having dance parties in the privacy of my own home when all of my family is not home.

2010-10-31T19:46:00.001-05:00

So, I am at my first NBA game tonight! Pretty fun stuff. I've been to some exciting college basketball games before, but not an NBA event like this!

I'm in OKC watching the Thunder lose to the Utah Jazz. Nevertheless, it's still fun to watch. There are lots of people dressed up since it's Halloween night.

Hope the Thunder can turn this game around!
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

a personal vacation

2010-10-26T22:49:00.012-05:00

One day towards the end of September, I woke up and decided I wanted to go visit my sister and her family. I gave my work about two weeks' notice that I would be gone. Set up getting a free ride with my parents who happened to be driving that way....and I went! I spent 10 days in the mountains in New Mexico, and I wish I could already go back! It was beautiful!

We went to the International Balloon Fiesta, visited a pumpkin patch, took my niece to pre-school, played and played, painted pumpkins, went hiking, picked raspberries....it was an awesome, relaxing time!

Nate, Terri and I are painting our pumpkins.

The kids and I are resting from picking raspberries.

Katie loved taking pictures with my camera!

Here I am at pre-school with Kaitlyn. (Katie is on the left)

Katie, Terri, Dad and me at the Balloon Fiesta....we were waiting for the night glow and fireworks.

Terri, Kaitlyn and me on the hayride to the pumpkin patch.

Sisters!

(and the pumpkin rolled over to the side of the picture is courtesy of my nephew, Zach)

Terri and I racing Nate on pedal carts at the pumpkin patch. Sadly, Nate won. It is hard to pedal one of those cart things in that kind of altitude. I took 3rd place.

Katie, Zach and I posed for a picture at the entrance to the pumpkin patch. And I am telling Zach we cannot roll the pumpkins off the hay and watch them bust open on the ground. Although it would have been fun.

And here I am at the balloon fiesta with this fine storm trooper...who actually talked and was bossing people around. Kind of a weird experience.

My sweetie niece, Kaitlyn

It was a fun, fun trip! I took off and left Sean and the kids at home. My first time to get away like that. It was awesome to just relax and not have to worry about anything. A time of good, good rest that I needed. Can't wait to do it again!

inspired by Fergie

2010-09-04T15:04:00.001-05:00

I've been working on my fitness. And I've lost a total of 10 pounds over the last month. I'm pretty proud. I'm even more proud that I can wear clothes I haven't been able to wear in a while. And I will keep going.

it's magic, magic, magic

2010-08-15T18:00:00.002-05:00

Just an update of sorts. No big news. In other news, my boys are attending Catoosa schools this year. Aaron is playing football. Devon is focusing on his grades. They started classes on Wednesday. So far, so good. We'll see what this year holds.

Holly starts her senior year on Thursday. I can't believe she is a senior. We are planning her senior pictures. She is playing volleyball this fall. Lots of stuff going on with her! Can't believe this is her last year of high school!

In other news, I have only been fishing one time this summer. I didn't catch anything.

In more exciting news, I haven't read any novels this summer. I guess I need to work on that!

And to top it all off...in just a few weeks, Sean and I will celebrate our unofficial anniversary of being together 8 years. I can hardly believe it. 8 years. Holy fire.

And in other news, more news to come!

The "eyes" have it!

2010-07-26T21:45:00.003-05:00

The eye is the jewel of the body. (Henry David Thoreau)

You never know how you look through other people's eyes. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

It is better to trust the eyes than the ears. (German proverb)

The eyes are the mirror of the soul. (Yiddish proverb)

Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts. Don't talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip. Keep your eyes straight ahead; ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you. Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust. (Proverbs 4:23 Msg)

Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have! (Matthew 6:22 Msg)

It's interesting what you can see in someone's eyes. Most of us can tell by looking at someone's eyes whether they are happy, sad, angry, or confused. But an Iridologist can see much more! According to Wikipedia, an Iridologist is "an alternative medicine technique whose proponents believe that patterns, colors, and other characteristics of the iris can be examined to determine information about a patient's systemic health."

I've been dealing with one issue specifically but have been too fearful to go to the doctor for treatment. So, my boss suggested I go see Phyllis. Phyllis. My boss tells me she looks in people's eyes and addresses any health concerns she sees. Just by looking at your eyes. I'm thinking my boss is a wacko. And I can just see him dropping me off at her house and getting locked in her basement. But I was wrong. It wasn't quite that creepy. My boss had suggested me seeing Phyllis several times. Last week I finally gave in. What could it hurt?

I just have a huge hang up about someone staring into my eyes. What will people see? Will she cast a spell on me? Will she see more than just physical issues? Will she see my hang ups? Will she wonder why I haven't waxed my eyebrows or mustache?

But I went. Phyllis looked in my eyes. Wrote down several things. Two pages front and back actually. And the crazy thing is that the health concerns she had were things I really have trouble with. How could she see all that in my eyes? And she only looked for less than 5 minutes!

She does this eye-looking in a health supply/vitamin store. She suggests certain vitamins and supplements to take to help with whatever concerns she writes down. I ended up with a couple of things she suggested. I've almost been taking them a week. And I know it's crazy, but the supplements are helping!

I found this chart online. I guess this is how Phyllis looks at the eyes to know what to write down.

My friend keeps calling her a witch doctor. I'm not sure she is an actual witch doctor. But she helped me find some natural things to take instead of some crazy medicines from the doctor.

Craziest thing I've ever done. I'm out of control I tell ya.

now and then

2010-07-14T00:57:00.005-05:00

This is my sister, Terri, and me. We just finished painting the dog house for my dog, Brownie. We were pretty proud of our fine craftsmanship.

This is my sister and me. Christmas photos obviously. Thanks, Mom, for not making me wear red tights!

Here we are on my wedding day. I couldn't find the picture of my sister and me on her wedding day.

I miss my sister. Her birthday is Friday. The big 30!!! We always have fun together...playing cards, watching movies, quoting movies, laughing. It didn't always use to be that way. We fought all the time growing up. We definitely had our own thing going on. I was mean to my sister. She pretty much hated me. She will probably say she still does...to torture me. She always tries to get me to believe I was adopted.

Somewhere during our college years, we started getting along and spending more time together. She is an important part of my life. We don't talk nearly enough. She gets mad when I don't return her calls. I hate missing out on her kids' lives. My brother-in-law is a riot, and I hate that they live so far away.

Best memory of my sister? One year she made me a card for my birthday. She had spent a lot of time on it. It taught me a very humbling yet valuable lesson. I was rude, horrible and mean. I didn't appreciate her card at the time. I'm pretty sure I made fun of it. But, I still have it. She made it. For me. Took time and thought to make it just for my birthday. Terri is awesome. I love her, and am so glad she's my sister.

get a room

2010-07-11T15:22:00.002-05:00

Sean and I decided to spice up our date night Friday night. Ahem. We went bowling. Sean really does enjoy to bowl. I enjoy the first game. Because by the end of the first game, I am so stinkin frustrated that I suck and Sean is beating me. But this time, I did pretty good. I think I even laughed during the second game. Yes, that's right. I said second game. Actually we bowled 4 games! By the time the night was over I had bowled a 134. Amazing all-time high score for me! Thank you, thank you.

There were two younger couples bowling next to us. Couple #1 had to encourage each other between each turn with disgusting groping, drinking shots, and slobbery kissing. Oh, and dancing! How could I forget the dancing! After about an hour or so, the two girls were pretty much wasted. Remember these people were already there...and drinking...when Sean and I arrived. They were having quite a bit of trouble walking. Don't ask me how they kept up the game. I never did look at their scores. I was too busy being entertained by their shenanigans.

So, I just bowled another strike and tried to get Sean's attention. But I couldn't. I follow his eyes to see these two girls kissing and acting reallll crazy! What do you do when you see stuff like that? Look away? Stare? Offer breath mints? Seriously, I'm not sure. I decided to see what their boyfriends were thinking about this. One boyfriend was bowling and turned around to talk to them...saw his woman kissing another woman...and walked over immediately and pulled her off! I don't know if the girl was mad or embarrassed. She started crying. Her boyfriend had to help her walk out. I'm not sure if the girl knew what she was doing or not.

Maybe after so many shots, it's hard to differentiate between males and females. Her friend and boyfriend did both have dark hair. Maybe she just got confused. Or maybe she really wanted to kiss her friend. That was a girl. Maybe the Katy Perry music videos inspired her. I'm not sure. I was a little scared to go talk to them. I didn't want to be next!

I just don't think girls kissing girls is right. I know there is some hot stuff going on right now with girls doing all that social kissing just for the fun of it when they go out. Just seems silly. It's one thing to do it for attention. It's another to do it because a person thinks they are gay.

Or. Maybe the boyfriend was just jealous he wasn't getting any kissing action.

call me Betty Crocker

2010-07-11T15:13:00.003-05:00

Check it. I made this soccer ball cake. All by me onesie. Even made the delicious buttercream icing. Holla now, I ain't lyin!

Aaron had a birthday last week. He wanted an edible fruit arrangement. Um, a little pricey! So, I decided I would make one. That didn't turn out so great. He loves soccer, so I found a soccer ball cake mold and decided he was going to have to settle for the above masterpiece. It turned out pretty good. I did make some fruit kabobs though, so Aaron got the fruit he wanted.

I probably had more fun making the cake than Aaron really cared about. That's ok. I enjoyed the decorating part too! I'm thinking this could be a new hobby for me. I'm not going to be taking orders or anything.

Now that I have the mold for this cake, everyone in our family will be getting soccer ball cakes for their birthdays. Deal with it.

who's your momma?

2010-07-10T22:36:00.003-05:00

Today is my mom's birthday. What a momma! She and dad came to Tulsa so we could celebrate with her! She really wanted to see Toy Story 3, but dad said she had to have small children with her to see it. Alas, we were fresh out of small children, so she chose Karate Kid instead. It was fun...the movie started about 30 minutes later than scheduled. But we had fun eating our popcorn! After the movie, dad treated us to Joe Momma's pizza. Very fitting, I think, since it was mom's birthday. Good times!

My mom always makes me laugh. So glad she is my mother!

Connection 2010

2010-07-03T02:14:00.015-05:00

Foursquare Connection...that is my husband!!!

Foursquare Connection...Me in the blue shirt...Thursday night main session

Foursquare Connection...Thursday night main session

Thursday night sound check...Dean and Keren listening to the sound

Mike and Sean tuning up

Mitchell and Ose leading the choir...I'm in the blue shirt!

Our new president, Glenn Burris

Tuesday morning sound check...my Sean in the white shirt

Saturday night rehearsal

My first Chicago style hot dog! From a cart! In the park! In Atlanta! It was awesome!

Centennial Olympic Park

I almost forgot to blog about Atlanta! It was hot. It was humid. It was rainy. There you go. The road trip wasn't really that bad. I helped drive, but I got to sleep also. I only had one claustrophobic panic attack. So, it was good. Being in tight, enclosed places for very long freak me out. Especially a car. That smells like butt and feet. That's the downside of road trips. No matter how much deodorant people wear...no matter how many times they brush their teeth in the gas station bathroom...no matter how many times you roll down the window...the car always ends up smelling like butt and feet. Our car wore that nasty smell for a few hours of the trip.

My stupid foot was really bad that week we were there. So, I ended up not doing very much. It was just too painful to walk. I decided to catch up on some Law & Order episodes (even though I rarely watch the show) and sleep! It was good! I did meet some new people, and that was nice!

Dean and Keren, my friends and pastors, were asked to lead a few worship sessions for Connection. I think I heard there were about 3500 people there. Sean played guitar in the worship band. I got to sing in the choir during the Thursday night session. Being up on the stage with lights and clocks and stuff was a little intimidating. But it was a really special honor and privilege to be asked to participate. I'm thankful for the time. It was awesome!

The sessions and workshops were full of good information. Francis Chan spoke one night! Challenging stuff I tell ya! It was a good trip.

my new suede shoe

2010-06-28T22:46:00.004-05:00

This is my new left shoe. For the week. Until Monday. Don't be jealous that I know how to rock this fine piece of footwear.

It's been crazy. I remember the day and time this goofy foot mess began. I was working with a kid at an elementary school. May 28. The day before we left for Atlanta. I felt a small sting on the side of my big toe. I scratched at it and went on. No big deal. As the morning went on, it turned into a big oozing sore. And it was painful.

Well, I had some athelete's foot going on at the time, so I just attributed the sore to that. Especially after my in-depth research on Google and WebMD. But I didn't want to go all the way off to Atlanta and have it get worse. So, I went to the grand 'ol Claremore Indian Hospital the next morning.

The woman looked over my foot. Seemed she took my word for it that it was just some bad athelete's foot. Gave me some antifungal pills. And sent me off to Atlanta. But I went on to work after that. Couldn't even get my shoe on and tied without lots of pain.

It got worse in Atlanta. Lots worse. I stayed in the hotel room because it was too painful to walk.

I went back to the Indian hospital when I got home. The same woman looked at my foot again. They tested me for diabetes, lupus, and rheumatoid arthritis. This time she gave me some prednisone. Well, the prednisone is not clearing up the sores. And my bloodwork all came back good.

So, today I was sent to the podiatrist. He looked it over. Looked at the new sore that had developed since last week. Tortured me by swabbing the open, oozing sore with soap and antiseptic. And then told me he didn't know what it was. Thank you so much, Dr. Lashley. And no, the names in this story have not been changed to protect the innocent because this guy made me mad.

So, now I'm on prednisone and amoxicillin. I have specific instructions on how to care for my foot. And as noted in the picture above, I will be wearing the lovely shoe all week.

If my foot does not get better, Sean will be accompanying me back to the lovely Dr. Lashley's office. Because he said he will give me a shot in my toe. I'm not sure what he will do after the shot. I forgot to pay attention after the word "shot." He could cut it off for all I care. It's the sticking of the needle in my toe that I am much afraid of. Put me out for that shot. Wake me up for the amputation. In that order please. Well, not really. But I don't want a shot in my toe.

I don't know why I'm blogging about my toe. But it's my blog. I can do whatever I want. And besides I'm practicing my writing skills for upcoming book.

meanwhile...

2010-06-27T13:53:00.002-05:00

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along if we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. (Romans 8:26, Msg)

Reading over this in church this morning totally distracted me to several different thoughts. First, I don't know why I am blogging so much. My track record proves I'm not very consistent. But I forgot how much I like to write. So, this is a good outlet for me to get back into.

One thought I had after reading over that verse is how restless Sean was last night. He wasn't sleeping well, and therefore, neither was I. He kept tossing, turning, mumbling, scratching his feet. Last thing I remember was seeing the clock read about 2:37 or something. I played Sudoku on my phone to try and make myself sleepy. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. Sean's restless night was annoying. I wanted to sleep. I was tired. That verse triggered my thinking. I wonder if God gets annoyed with my restlessness.

Restlessness and sighing and mumbling and moaning...those are often the times we don't know what to say or do.

I picked up a lady and her two kids for church this morning. Her youngest, a two year old, doesn't speak well. Yet when she wants something, she will yell or scream. Normal communication for a two year old? Maybe. As the screams were irritating me, I remembered the verse again.

How frustrating for her to not be able to ask for or get what she wants. She doesn't know the words. It's not like she knows the words and is just so frustrated can't think of them. She doesn't know the words to even recall them!

How many times have I been in a situation like that? I know the words to communicate. But I get so impatient and don't want to take the time to communicate clearly.

But when I'm truly at a place where I'm tired and can't go on...God is right there alongside me. I love that picture. Alongside. I first heard that word when I was an RA at OCC. We were trained as RA's to come alongside the students on our watch to help them. When you come alongside someone, you can help them better. You can't push people ahead of you. You can't drag them behind you. But you can walk at their pace alongside them. I love that. That's where God is with me right now.

He knows my worries. He knows my fears. He knows my questions. He knows my doubts. He knows my weaknesses. He's still there alongside me. Because I wait with hope that He will carry me. Because I wait with hope that He will help me.

annabelle smith

2010-06-26T23:21:00.012-05:00

"I love it when a good plan works out."

Liam Neeson is good. One of my favorites. We took the kids out tonight to spend a little family time. Interesting family time. First, we visited my cousin, Jami, in the hospital. She gave birth to her 5th child on Thursday. This time around has been a little difficult for her, so I've been spending some time with her at the hospital. We all went to visit again today. Funny we ran into my parents there! That's always fun! I love my mom and dad...and I love that my kids love them.

Then we went to another hospital to visit a dear friend of ours in ICU. He had a bad spell of scary high blood pressure. He seems to be doing better and better, and it was good that we could go encourage him.

Then we were off to have an adventure...we went to Taco Cabana for the first time. I had a pretty good experience. Even ate some jalapenos. Not sure why. But I'm crazy like that.

Then we decided to go see The A-Team. We loved it! I laughed. It felt good to laugh. Great movie. And I just really want to send a memo to Liam and ask him not to wear gray hair. It takes away his edge. He's really got an image to maintain. The gray kind of softened him up in this movie. Didn't take away from his blue eyes though. Not that they are any match for my husband's amazing eyes. You can get lost in those things, I tell ya. Sean's eyes. Not Liam's.

So, Liam, grab a bottle of Just For Men on the way home, would ya? Ok then.

learning the ropes

2010-06-23T17:37:00.005-05:00

So, my work did a ropes course today. For some odd reason, I could not pass on the chance to be outdoors...doing something adventurous...and getting paid to do it. Who else could pass that up? Seriously?

Well. Obviously I have forgotten a few things. I forgot that I am 33 years old. I forgot that I haven't exercised in who knows how long. I forgot that I am overweight. I forgot that I can't push myself past my own fears. So, knowing that I forgot all these very important things...I went to the ropes course!

I went ahead and harnessed up with everyone else. I soon realized I probably wouldn't get a turn at the elements with so many kids there. I began to feel a bit relieved. But ever the prideful one, I made sure all the kids were getting a turn. I was there for the kids, right? The kids are the most important thing, right?

I took a girl with me who is afraid...not more afraid than yours truly though. She put on her brave face and climbed up the pole to the zip line. Without any encouragement from me. Then when she got to the top, she was too afraid to come down on the zip line. I began talking to her and encouraging her from the ground. My efforts weren't working.

I quickly realized I would have to climb up the stupid pole and go down with her! My gut immediately began the roller coaster ride of emotions! I knew the girl would be upset with herself if she didn't finish the element. So, I connect to the belay and start climbing up the pole. Much to my great surprise, I made it up the pole...only faintly out of breath.

Then I freaked out. Internally. I was up on the platform. This girl was not going down the zip line without me doing it with her. I was in the same predicament she was! Isn't it ironic, don't ya think? Thank you, Alanis.

So, the girl said she would go if I went first. Here comes my co-worker, Mike. Holy fire. That's all I needed. A co-worker to witness how much of a chicken I really am. Then the facilitator says, "On the count of 3, walk off the platform." I refrain from peeing my pants as well as fight the urge to puke. I look over at the girl and realize this is no time for me to be scared. I have to go and show her I can do it...so she can do it. I try to remember to breathe. I look at Mike and say, "Mike, I gotta sit down and go. I can't walk off the platform!" I look at the facilitator and say, "Dude, you gotta loosen my belay so I can sit down."

Mike says in an ever so quiet voice, "Tonya, I think you need to challenge yourself and not sit down." Right at that moment...in my mind...I slapped the fire out of him. But I knew he was right. So, the facilitator counted to 3...

And Mike and I walked off the platform. I screamed. Then in a split second, I realized what I did! It was awesome. I looked back and saw the girl still standing on the platform. I had to feel bad for her and proud of myself all at the same time. I flipped upside down and finished the zip line!

You can only do so much for people. I can't do things for people. They can only do for themselves. I can encourage and help. I felt so bad for this girl who was mad at herself later for not finishing the element. I couldn't do anything about her feelings. I can help her work through them so she can challenge herself next time she is in a situation to face her fears. But I can't do it for her. She has to do it. I might have climbed back down the pole had Mike not been up there with me! And besides, I took my sons with me. They aren't scared of anything. So, I had to prove to them that 'ol mom is pretty adventurous. Oh crap. Who am I kidding?! Devon's reaction said it all after I told him I did the element and went upside down...he said, "You did?!" But maybe it earned me some cool points.

I learned something today. I learned the ropes.

2010-06-20T01:18:00.002-05:00

I was up late last night. Another night I couldn't sleep. I decided to watch Girl, Interrupted again. Wynona Ryder playing a girl with Borderline Personality Disorder. What does that mean? Borderline? What is she on the borderline of? I just keep thinking and wondering, not even looking up what the disorder even really is.

But something in the movie got to me. The scene where Whoopi Goldberg comes to check on Wynona right after the character Brittany Murphy plays kills herself. They talk about feelings. I can't remember what the lines are exactly. But I can say what it got me thinking.

Feelings can be scary. Emotions can be overwhelming. I deal with that on a daily basis in my job. Learning what to do with myself when I see and hear other people who are out of control. These people have real problems. Real drama. Real crises. But all those things belong to those people. Not me. That is hard to accept. I don't want to be fake. I don't want to be patronizing. I want to be real. I want people to know I care. But I gotta own my own problems. I can't own someone else's. And so, I let or allow the emotions and feelings I have about my job and my clients come over me. But I can't let them linger. I can't let them stay on me. It doesn't mean I don't care. It just means I'm learning that I can't fix anyone but myself. That, too, is hard to accept when I see so many things I want to fix!

I'm learning it's healthy to accept my feelings and emotions. Just because I feel a certain way doesn't necessarily mean anything bad or negative. When I get real with myself and admit I feel angry or sad or whatever...I'm being real. I'm not denying or hiding what or who I am. I see the value and power in that. Being real with myself about all of me...about who I am...is the most freeing thing. I don't have to make apologies. I don't have to make excuses. I don't have to hide. I can be free. I can be me. No matter what that means.

Now. To try and actually live that way tomorrow!

dualing

2010-06-19T21:23:00.015-05:00

Maybe dualing isn't a good title for this post. Dual implies two, and I have way more than two thoughts in my head right now.

It's Father's Day weekend. Many mixed emotions. We won't be able to celebrate with my father-in-law this time. That is very bittersweet. It's comforting to know that Rusty is fully healed and in Heaven. But I still miss him. Our whole family misses him very much. Rusty was so, so sweet.

This photo was taken in Joplin at Bella Peppers. We ate together and celebrated Rusty and Janie's 40th wedding anniversary...March 2008.

My parents came up to spend the day with us for Father's Day. My dad took us to Big Splash! How funny is it that my dad treated us on what was supposed to be his day. That's just the kind of guy my dad is. He's awesome! I had a lot of fun today with my parents and Sean and my boys. Swimming. Laughing. We couldn't leave the park without dad and Sean making me go down the Silver Bullet. The only other time I went down that slide was when dad made me...when I was in high school! I got to the top and told myself not to look down. Just sit down and go! But how can you not look down?! Of course I looked down! And I got scared and almost didn't go. But. I did. And it was fun. I screamed the whole way down of course. Mom said she heard me as she was waiting in line at the other water slides. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to overcome her fear. Right? And the most satisfying thing is getting off the slide putting my swimsuit back where it goes in all the appropriate places...knowing I just went down the Silver Bullet...and all the people watching didn't! I did it!

This picture is of Dad and Zach. We were hanging out on the porch just talking. Zach was entertaining us. My dad loves people, loves kids, loves helping all of them.

Tomorrow is a sad day. Tomorrow will be one year that Meghan died. I remember the phone call. It was a Saturday morning. It was early for a Saturday. About 7am or so. Sean and I were sleeping in. My phone rang, and just before I missed the call I saw it was dad. Almost annoyed that my dad would call that early on a Saturday, I decided to wait and call him back later. Then Sean's phone rang. He saw it was my dad, so he answered. Sean got out of bed immediately. I heard the sound of shock in his voice. It's sad that I know what the inflection in someone's voice means. My mom's side of the family has certainly not been unfamiliar with death. Death is a natural part of life, but it seems much more natural for my mom's side of the family. Certainly in a spiritual sense, these deaths have me asking a lot of questions. We've lost someone from each generation.

This is dad giving Meghan away at her wedding. July 25, 2008.

I have to remember her. Meghan was so funny, and I always laughed with her. She could be so sassy yet she was so caring. It's hard to know what to say about her. Or maybe it's harder to identify how I feel about her being gone. I miss her so much. She was my cousin by blood, but she was my sister in our hearts. Gone before her 22nd birthday. Gone before her 1 year wedding anniversary. It doesn't seem fair. And I'm reminded that who am I to decide what is fair. Meghan's days were pre-ordained by God before she was even conceived. I miss her. And I wonder what happened that night. Why and how she and her husband lost control of the truck. It's so hard to believe she is really gone. Her funeral was closed casket. No real closure and seeing her one last time to say good-bye. I miss her. so. so. so. so. so. so. so. much.

This is me, Meg, and Terri. Meghan's wedding day. Terri and I had a blast helping Meg plan her special day.

Well, it's all coming back to me now. I forgot that I want to make the most of my time with family. Enjoy my family. Enjoy my time with them while I'm with them.

Moonlight & Roses

2010-05-01T00:28:00.007-05:00

Tonight was my daughter's first prom. Her junior prom. We had a blast getting ready for it. Picking out the dress. Practicing the perfect makeup. Fun memories.

My daughter with her best friend, Cara, and their dates.

My daughter and her best friend, Cara

My daughter is the most gorgeous girl. Ever. Simply stunning and beautiful.

My daughter and her date, Parker

stop, drop & roll

2010-04-14T07:38:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I had to participate in a fire drill. High school. I think that's the last time I ever talked about or practiced what to do in case of a fire.

I always thought fire drills were strange. I mean if there's a fire, you get out of or get away from whatever is on fire! Pretty much basic common sense.

But I guess kids don't have basic common sense. I know my own children don't sometimes. Why is common sense so common? It's not! We have to learn common sense! People are not born with common sense. We are taught everything we know whether by instruction or modeling.

So, I think myself, as an adult, can at times lack basic common sense. Take yesterday for example.

I went to an elementary school to see one of my clients. I brought a new game to try with this kid. I was into the game! We were getting it all set up. Putting the container together. It was one of those games where you put plastic sticks in all the different holes...through the container. Then after you get the sticks in, you put marbles on top of the sticks. Then, you take turns pulling the sticks out. Whoever makes all the marbles fall, loses! So, we were getting this game set up. I was trying to put the sticks in very strategic places so I could pull them out later and not make any marbles fall. Call it cheating if you want. I was just using basic common sense.

I jumped off my seat when the fire alarm started blaring loudly. Because of state testing this week, my client and I were in the cafeteria. I had this game spread out all over the table. I had also brought art supplies...markers, colored pencils, crayons, drawing paper, construction paper, chalks, oil pastels, etc. The stuff was everywhere.

The kid did not seemed phased at all about the fire alarm going off. So, we just kept messing with our game. Until an official, school-looking authority type lady came walking through the cafeteria. I was making eye contact with her as if she could read my mind. One of those women intuition type looks.

You know, if you don't have basic common sense, you might not have basic woman intutition either. If you're a woman.

So, as we awkwardly look at each other, I say, "So, do we need to go somewhere?" Then I realize that was a dumb question, and I hope she doesn't yell back, "Yeah, you can go to hell!" Sometimes these school ladies are mean. Especially if they have gray hair. And she did. And glasses.

She didn't yell anything at all. So, maybe some gray-haired, bespectacled school ladies are nice. It's a theory. She responded, "Yes, you need to go outside." But I still just sat there. I looked at my stuff. I was trying to decide how much it would cost to replace all my materials if, indeed, the school really was on fire.

So, I turn back to the school lady and ask, "Do I just leave my stuff here? Will I be able to come back and get it?" She smiles a polite smile and answers, "Yes, you can come back for it." Maybe I wouldn't have felt so dumb had she explained this was only a fire DRILL!

So, then I realize that I have a kid with me. So, I ask her yet another question, "Do I need to find this kid's teacher?" She says, "Yes, find the teacher when you go outside and let the teacher know the student is ok."

So, the kid and I go outside. We start looking for the teacher. Of course, using basic common sense, I ask the kid, "What does your teacher look like? Do you remember what she was wearing today?" He says.........."no." Nice. Good one, kid. How long do you look at this woman all day, 5 days a week? Seriously? I point out some teachers asking if that is this kid's teacher. I point out about 4. To EACH ONE, he initially says, "Yeah, that's her!" So, we begin walking towards the teacher. As we get closer, he says, "Oh, no, that's not her."

Kid, I'm about to take you over to the sand pit and fill your underwear with sand.

As I'm trying to figure out what to do next, I see more classes filing out of the school. So, we start looking for other teachers. I'm trying to figure out how long this is going to last. My game is still inside!

Then the principal calls out on the intercom, "Ok, students, good job! Congrats on getting out so quickly! You may no re-enter the building." Like I said, there were still students coming out of the building!

We never found my client's teacher. But at least I got all my supplies out of the cafeteria.

And I guess more importantly, I now know what to do in a school fire drill. It was a good day.

spinning round

2010-04-06T16:25:00.002-05:00

Where do I even begin? God answers prayers in funny ways. Sometimes He even answers prayers we forget we prayed. Maybe even He sometimes does things that cause us to pray certain prayers. I don't know what happened this past week, but my mind is spinning.

There is a housing project out in West Tulsa that I go to visit clients. I have two families that live there. Both households have single women with children. One woman, Sarah*, has not stopped talking about God since I met her back in October. In my position, I'm not allowed to initiate conversation about God. I can talk freely when a client initiates the subject though. Well, I have watched Sarah sit and cry and mope around her house. Her 18 year old son moved out and across the street to live with her best friend, Jane*. About a month ago, Sarah made the decision to put her kids in a children's home. There is just so much to these stories.

But slowly I have been able to gain the trust of both these women. Last week, Sarah talked about wanting to go to church. I invited her to come with me. A few days later, Jane also said she would like to go to church. I invited her as well. Both women and their children came to church on Easter Sunday. They loved the service. Their kids loved it. Well, not all their kids came.

I saw both women today. I've been praying God would guide me in knowing what to do with these women. It's all happening so fast!! I am their counselor. Them coming to church has changed the dynamic of our relationship. I'm ok with that. I just don't know where to go from here. Today, Jane asked me to help her find a Bible study. Well, I'm not going to help her find one. I'm going to lead it!

She's going to talk to a couple of her neighbors, and we are planning on starting a Bible study next week in her home. Just two weeks ago, I was telling Sean that I wanted to do something like this. And in a matter of a few minutes, it happened.

This is all so crazy! God is sooo faithful. I can't believe He would choose to use me and allow me to be a part of all this! It just blows my mind! I never thought I would have the courage to do something like this.

So. I can't wait to see where this wild ride takes me next. But I'll be sure to keep you posted. :)

oh my

2010-03-30T08:42:00.002-05:00

I took this picture a few weeks ago. It was actually during Holly's first soccer game. I love the "trouble" you can see brewing in the background. I love how the darkness of the sky illuminates the tree. Amazing.

springtime is here. flowers everywhere.

2010-03-22T23:57:00.003-05:00

It's a new season. At least, I think it is. There's still snow on the ground. This may be a boring entry. But. This is my blog, and if you are reading it, it's not my fault.

We just returned yesterday from a trip to visit my sister. Got to snow ski also. Got to play with my niece and nephew. Got to see my niece's pre-school. Got to see my sister literally fly down a hill of snow. Memorable times.

I had a talk with my supervisor at work today. Talked about my clients and trying to catch up on all that happened in the short time I was gone. Most of these conversations lead to deeper thinking. Why do people do what they do? What motivates people to function the way they do? One woman in particular is suspected to have been abused by her father. Her sister has already admitted it. This woman won't. For fear her father will cut off payment and supply of a car and rent and other bill payments. Is there a fear of working? The thought that wouldn't leave me was why this woman would go to great lengths to "protect" her dad. Why would the dad continue to put forth so much money? Now that the woman is grown, why keep the family secret? To protect a reputation? Lots of other questions come. But no answers. Seems like a lot of work to take care of a grown woman and her 4 kids. All for the sake of a "secret." I wonder what that energy could also be used for. A positive, healthy relationship with his daughter. Meaningful moments with his grandkids?

Work sure makes me think a lot. Those thoughts sure push me to healthy change in my own life. That change helps me become more of who God wants me to be.

what a day

2010-02-09T19:13:00.002-06:00

My job continues to challenge me. I've been working with a 14 year old girl who doesn't really have any friends. She is verbally abusive to her mother and grandmother. She has been sexually assaulted. She doesn't want to go to school. I've been working with a single mother in her 30's with 4 kids. She's bi-polor and depressed. She won't admit it. She won't take her meds consistently. What a history she has.

Or, how about today. I went to work with a single mother and her teenage daughter. The 17 year old daughter is pregnant. She's not too far along and is dealing with all day sickness or something. She can't keep any food down. The mom is obese. They are trying hard to make it in society, but they struggle. The mom loves holidays and is always trying to decorate or dress according to the upcoming holiday. So, today, I took some cookie dough and icing and candy to make a cookie cake. She took me in her kitchen to make the stuff. I opened a drawer to get a fork to stir up the ingredients. Roaches scattered all over the drawer. The butter was warm and melting because the fridge had been left open for who knows how long. When I opened the egg carton to get an egg out, there was onion skin and several egg shells in the carton...all looking like roaches had been in there. She had no dish towels, pot holders or paper towels, so I wadded up toilet paper to take the hot pan out of the stove. She left the kitchen for a minute, so while she wasn't looking, I quickly washed the utensils and my hands with her dish soap. Had to dry my hands with the toilet paper. Then after I did, I wondered why toilet paper was in the kitchen. At one point she went to the restroom, and I had to return some items to the kitchen. She left the bathroom door open. That was awkward for me to see that. This was all before her daughter came home from her GED classes. The daughter came home sick and not feeling well. She said she had thrown up several times at school. Poor girl. Well, she sat down in a chair to wait and rest. The mom was changing clothes. I went out to my car to move things around...I was getting ready to take them both to the ER. The mom had several absess teeth, and the daughter was tired of throwing up. Anyway. I walk back in the front door, and the daughter was leaning over and throwing up right in the floor. Didn't bother to try and get to the sink or a trash bag or whatever. Just threw up in the floor. So. I start to hyperventilate. I mean, my first thought was, "Well, glad they don't have carpet." My second thought was, "They can walk to the ER because I am going to vomit myself." I tried to swallow and regain my composure. I said, "Um, are you ok?" I said this standing from the doorway...still holding onto the doorknob. The mom then walks into the room and sees the vomit on the floor, steps over it, and tells her daughter to get her jacket on. I start to hyperventilate again...and think. I could outrun them easily. I could make it to my truck and drive off and they would never catch me. Part of me wished I had to vomit. I would have walked right over to the spot where the daughter threw up and add my own vile nasty. Then I would just look at them and wait for their reaction. Ok, so none of that happened. The mom says, "Well, now what are we going to clean that up on the floor with?" The daughter leaves the room and comes back with a t-shirt. My heart rate starts to rise. The daughter lays the shirt over the vomit. I didn't panic. I didn't get sick. My heart rate slows to almost normal. I make a mental note of what color the shirt is. Gray. After that, the daughter puts her coat on and we leave. Just like that.

I met a new client today. He is 5. He just moved to Oklahoma to live with his dad, whom he has never met, just a few months ago. The dad has mental issues, and I think the son does as well. So, the therapist I went with called the boy by a certain name when we arrived. After a few minutes, I couldn't remember what she had called him exactly. So, I asked the boy his name. He told me something different. That was odd. The grandma was all snuggled up on the couch with her blanket and her remote. She pulls out a joint. Looks like marijuana. I panicked and looked at the therapist thinking, "Holy moly! We've got a live one!" After the first few seconds of panic, I kind of got excited. I mean this might be my first chance to actually call the cops! But Grandma clarified that it was really just a cigarette. I was still looking for some excitement, so as she smoked, I kept inhaling deeply to try and see if it was really a cigarette or weed. Then I realized that wasn't really good. I wonder how much second-hand smoke I inhaled today? Crap. It really was just a cigarette. People will save the butts of their cigarettes. Unroll them and save all the tobacco. They repack it and roll it again in new paper. I am intrigued by the ingenuity of this procedure. I mean it really is remarkable. Very cost effective. I started to compliment the woman on her efforts for "going green." Everyone has to do their part.

While the therapist was talking with the grandma and father, I brought some pla-doh for the 5 year old. Another little girl was there. So, we played with pla-doh. The kids started to mix several colors, and I explained that we don't do that. We can't mix colors! We must pick up all pla-doh crumbs. But I don't think the kids understood. I went into the house with 10 different colors of pla-doh. I came out with 4. I'm not sure that went well. I don't know why the kids kept staring at me as I would pick up any pla-doh they weren't using and put it immediately back into a container. I am a pla-doh nazi. I even took the white pla-doh out of the little girl's hands. I mean, she wasn't actually using it right at that moment. I knew she was about to mix it with the purple. I was just trying to save the white. It did not want to be mixed with purple. Blue maybe. But not purple. The girl took it back out of the container and mixed it with the green. I pretended to eat about a dozen pla-doh white/green/orange/purple colored eggs. I was full by the time we left the house. Next time I will only take back the colors that they already mixed.

So. Another day is done. I did my best.

2010-02-02T17:10:00.001-06:00

Just testing things out from my phone. Trying to see if I can really blog from my phone. What technology!

closing time

2010-02-01T18:35:00.002-06:00

I've had lots to blog about. Trouble is I didn't have any motivation to make my fingers type. It's been a wild couple of weeks. Lots of snow and crazy weather. I've decided I don't really mind the snow. We had some quality family time while we were snowed in over the past weekend. Movies and popcorn. Card games. Staying up late. Sleeping in. Sledding with friends. Pretty fun stuff.

And the not so fun stuff. My father-in-law passed away. It's still hard to believe he is really gone. Like it's just weird to think about going to visit Sean's family, and he's not there. We all miss him very much. How does one deal with losing a parent? The person that created you. The person that gave you life. The person that taught you, trained you, raised you. Of course, Rusty is in heaven. That alone brings some comfort and peace. But it's really not enough. Because he's not here.

And the milestone stuff. Sean and I celebrated 6 years of marriage yesterday. We've made it to counting on two hands now. What a man. He loves me for me. He loves me and deals with all my junk. And he keeps on loving me. I wouldn't have chosen anyone else.

jumbled up

2010-01-09T23:11:00.002-06:00

So, I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind. Thoughts about family. Thoughts about work. Thoughts about church. Thoughts about Christianity. Thoughts about marriage. Thoughts about the future. Thoughts about friends and so-called friends. Thoughts about exercise. Thoughts about growing. Thoughts about learning. Thoughts about thankfulness. Thoughts about forgiveness. Thoughts about boldness. See? I told you there was a lot.

Instead of trying to sort all these thoughts out, I usually just divert my attention to laundry or sleep or popcorn. I'm deciding now that I'm not going to do that. I'm going to pick one of those thoughts and actually think about it.

So. I pick...uh, ...oh, I guess I pick thankfulness.

I'm really not by nature a thankful person. Sure, I do appreciate words or gestures of kindness or love by others. Sadly, I don't always let the person know how much I appreciate them or thank them. Does that mean I'm rude? Does that mean I'm selfish? Probably. Something I never do is thank people just for who they are. There have been times in my personal worship time I thank God just for who He is just because He is...Himself. I don't do it enough. I don't thank my husband for just being himself. I don't appreciate him for who he is just as he is. Usually I'm annoyed by some petty little thing he does. I don't appreciate my kids for who they are. I'm not having a pity party. Rather, I think this could be called an awakening. I have great kids. I have an amazing husband. An even more than that, I have an awesome Savior and best friend. It kind of scares me to wonder if they even know how I feel about them.

And why? Why don't I do this more often? Because I'm selfish.

Forgive my selfishness, God. Help my husband and my kids forgive me for being so self-centered. Help me love the gifts you have given me in my family. Thank you for my husband. Thank you for my kids.

I think I'll plan to have some appreciation talks this week.

a new dawn, a new day, a new life...

2010-01-07T09:12:00.015-06:00

Here is what has been happening in my life over the most recent weeks...in pictures.

My sister and her family came to visit. This is my awesome niece, Katie.

We celebrated Holly's 18th birthday a little early while Terri was in town.

Terri was able to watch Aaron play basketball and Holly cheering. Katie wore her cheerleader outfit to the game "just like Holly's."

Our church youth group put on a Christmas drama that the youth pastors wrote. It was amazing. The drama was called Natus Est meaning He is Born in Latin. This was before the production on the second night.

My oldest son, Devon, played Adam. Here God is giving Adam authority over the earth. Dev did an amazing job in his role.

I left my camera laying on one of the chairs, and these crazy girls got a hold of it. Asia, Holly, Zoe and Janelle.

We got our daughter a Blackberry for her 18th birthday, her first phone. This was her reaction when she opened her present. Pretty sweet.

My parents and the boys and I went down to Brookside for the first annual New Year's Eve street party...supposed to be something like Times Square in New York. It was alright. The boys got their picture taken with Julie Chin, the channel 2 meteorologist.

I didn't really understand why there were medievel people dressed up and walking around, but Dev wanted his picture taken with one of them.

This is mom and I trying to stay warm and wondering if it's midnight yet. It's a good thing we bought those tights at Wal-Mart!

The boys and I are trying to get on tv. The news people were doing a live spot right out front. Dev is holding the light saber sword looking thing. You can't really see me or Aaron...but we are there...on tv.

Happy New Year!

Caution!

2009-12-03T15:16:00.002-06:00

"Somebody stop me!" I think that's Jim Carrey's famous line from Ace Ventura, right? I'm really feeling that line in my own life lately.

Even more so since Romans 13:11 caught my attention today. I quote it from The Message for you: "But make sure that you don't get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God." Pretty intense, I think.

I get so caught up in what I'm doing or what the next thing I'm supposed to do is. I usually blame "our crazy city life." I was really convicted as I stopped to reflect on that verse. I don't take time to slow down. I don't take time to just stop and breathe. I don't stop to remember Christ. I don't stop to acknowledge Him. Is He really my everything? Is He really what my life is about?

I'm thinking about posting some of these signs around my house, maybe one in my car...just to give me a visual reminder that I need to stop, slow down and be mindful of Christ. These last 6-7 months, it's becoming more and more real to me that I am in control of my life. I've known that. But I haven't lived it. I'm in control of my thoughts. I'm in control of my actions. I don't always have to wait and just react. It's my responsibility to take the initiative and be mindful of Christ working in my life. It's my choice to be thankful. It's my choice to be happy. It's my choice.

But I can't make those good decisions if I don't slow down. So, here's to moving forward...slowly!

Counting

2009-12-01T08:11:00.003-06:00

What a week it's been! Thanksgiving time with family (or at least some of them); the traditional Black Friday shopping and breakfast at Braum's with my parents; my father-in-law is admitted to the hospital for four days; and I had a tooth pulled yesterday.

I've been thinking a lot about, well, just a lot of things. The holiday season is here. I was just in awe last week as I listened to some of my clients, the younger ones. One has been missing school because he lost his only pair of shoes. The other said his mom wasn't cooking Thanksgiving dinner because she didn't have a pan for a turkey...and I suspect they didn't even have money to buy a turkey. The reasons for not having money for food are a whole other debate, but still, the kids had to miss out. That got me to thinking.

The kid that lost his only pair of shoes....how many pairs of shoes do I have in my closet. I've been too afraid to go in and count them. When I was shopping with my parent on Friday, we had brought along one of my cousins. She is 13. I was asking her what her family does for Christmas. She said, "Nothing." Her parents don't buy presents. She does get stuff from her grandma, so she's not completely without. But I felt like such a low-life. Here me and my parents are dragging her from store to store buying Christmas presents! Here we are making a big deal about what to get for who and what color and what size! Ok, she did want to come...but, seriously...what am I doing? Makes me not want to buy any presents. Makes me want to return the ones I already bought.

What are the holidays really about? Food? Gifts? Decorations? Credit card limits? Wrapping paper? Lights? Finding the perfect pumpkin? I don't want to be extreme, but I think I need to find in my own heart the reason I do what I do during the holidays. What am I teaching my own kids? "Make your list early, so we can find all the things you want!" Wow.

I think Christ wants me to remember Him first of all, and my family and be thankful for what I do have. He has given me so much. This has been a very trying year, but He has sustained me and provided for me...even through my stupidity and bad decisions. I am blessed. I have a husband who is an awesome man and so good to me. He is my best friend. What more could I ask for? I have three kids who have changed my life and who are way more gracious to me than I deserve. I have parents that are supportive and loving. I have a mother and father-in-law who are caring and so loving. I could keep listing these blessings! There are many!

Four of my blessings will arrive in Oklahoma on Friday! My sister, brother-in-law and niece and nephew are coming for a visit!! Woohooooo!!! I can't wait! I love my sister. I love my brother-in-law. I love Katie and Zach too. I can't wait to spend some time with them!

getter

2009-11-19T08:01:00.003-06:00

So, I probably should be leaving for work right now. I can't make myself get up and get out the door! Could be tired from yesterday...I acted as Megatron and defeated Optimus Prime with one of my clients who is 4. Then I played a game of one-on-one basketball with another client who is 10. I had a hard day yesterday. I mean what with defeating Optimus Prime and everything. And I did beat the kid at basketball. I'm not proud of beating a 10 year old, but I'm just saying.

I'm dragging this morning. I've got a long day ahead of me. Dear Body, please don't tell me you can only make it if you have Mountain Dew or Dr. Pepper. I just don't want you to have it. Please don't fight with me. Don't make me hurt you. I can take you, you know. Try me.

MPG

2009-11-14T10:43:00.002-06:00

I've been hearing lots of talk about keeping my tank full. Trying to define what drains me and what fills me up. Am I really a car? What is my mpg? Someone should tape a sign to my back with all my features.

I was at a leadership retreat last weekend with my church. Our speaker/facilitator talked about finding things that fill up your tank. He challenged us to identify what we look like when we're full, when we're empty, and everything in between. You have to know yourself pretty well to do that, I think. I have heard this same man talk about this very same subject before. I started to get uncomfortable when I realized I never did anything about my "tank" the first time I heard this. Sean and I talked together, and we discovered some good indicators for him. I was able to write a few things on my list that I know fill me up. But I still couldn't figure out any indicators. What are my own warning signs to tell me that I need to stop in for fill-up? I couldn't think of any. We didn't have a whole lot of time anyway to really sit down and think on this.

This week at work has been another draining week. Looking back I can see that my tank was pretty empty. It doesn't work when you try to drain an almost empty tank! Work doesn't try and drain me on purpose. It's just that the type of work I do is draining anyway. I've only been seeing clients for 3 weeks. You know, God has really been affirming to me through others that He has given me this gift to care and feel deeply for others. People open up to me about their problems. I recognized that when I was a lot younger. Now, I'm wondering if it's a gift! It makes for a hard time for me at work. The stories these people tell me! I know I can't fix these people. Only God can. How in the world do I help?! Especially without talking about God? How in the world do these people have hope????? There is none!!!

But what happened yesterday I couldn't ignore. Crying because I wouldn't have time to eat lunch was my indicator! I really have just been thrown into my job. I don't mind that so much really. I like having to figure things out on my own. It means I can do it the way I want! But I'm dealing with real people, real life, and real trauma here. I don't know what to do with it. Anyway. So, I'm pretty sure I was on the verge of quitting yesterday. Just walking out. I even cancelled one of my clients. I called my supervisor. We sat down and talked. He told me to calm down and just breathe. Great answer. I'm just going to have to ease into this slower than what we were all trying to do.

But, my supervisor brought up my "tank." He asked what I do to fill myself up. I better get serious about knowing my indicators. I better get serious about taking care of myself. If I really take care of myself, I wonder how many miles per gallon I'll get?

conversations in my head

2009-11-09T09:15:00.003-06:00

Life: "Tonya, I'm going to stir things up for you a bit and see if you can handle it."
Tonya: "Um. Well, ok. Let's see what you got."
Life: "How about Situation A? Situation B? Situation C? D? E? F?"
Tonya: "Bring it."
Life: "How about more? (insert evil laugh here)"
Tonya: "What the heck..." (note the panic face)
God: "Tonya, I am in control."
Tonya: "Oh crap. I forgot...again."

Is there ever a time when things are not being stirred up in my life? This year has been like a whirlpool. My head has been spinning since April, and I think I'm starting to get dizzy. Just when everything slows down to a slower pace, someone or something rocks my world again. And the spinning commences. Sometimes spinning is good. It moves things around so nothing has a chance to get stagnant.

Maybe I'm supposed to feel like one of those homemade ice cream makers. The most important part of the process is turning the crank on the machine. You can't stop turning the handle...until it's perfect. Interesting analogy.

I was at a leadership retreat this weekend. Discussing more Birkman Leadership stuff. That stuff is so simple yet powerful. I discovered so much about my team. I discovered even more about myself. Two powerful things hit me early, early Saturday morning: (1) I have to learn to say the good "f" word, and (2) I feel safe now in my environment. Both of those are powerful releases. If I can say that "f" word...wow. Acknowledging that I feel safe with my team...wow. Those two things are freeing for me personally.

Self-discovery = power = freedom = wholeness. That's my goal. That's what I want. So, no matter how I got to this place I'm at, at least I'm closer to my goal.

normal

2009-10-21T23:58:00.003-05:00

My new job keeps throwing new challenges at me. I'm fine with that. As long as I can handle them I guess. So far so good. Yesterday I met some clients for the first time. These meetings were supposed to be brief introductions. One of the therapists I'm working with warned me before going in the home that this woman is very paranoid and closed off. He said she probably wouldn't talk to me, but she did want to meet me because she is very interested in the rehab services I will be doing for the agency. So, we knocked on the door and went in.

Almost an hour and a half later, I walked out in much surprise. Too many emotions and thoughts going through me to even try and process. I've really tried not to put too many expectations or pictures in my head because I just don't know what people will be like. The lady totally opened up with me and shared a great deal about her life and struggles. Rape by family members. Molested by family members. Paranoia. Obesity. Mental health issues. Physical health issues. Her daughter hears voices and has sadly experienced some of the same trauma. And the woman broke. She sobbed.

I desperately wanted to cry with her and for her. In the midst of all her sadness, she dried her tears and started talking about all the things she's overcome. My heart broke as she started crying again and said, "I just want a normal life." I get tears in my eyes now replaying the conversation. Everyone wants a normal life. But I heard what she meant...she knows the things that have happened to her are not normal. She wants to be recovered. She wants freedom from the things that torment her. She wants something different and better than what she is forced to deal with. I'm just amazed by her strength and determination.

I struggled sitting there watching and listening. Doesn't God offer hope in these situations? Doesn't God offer healing? Doesn't He offer peace? But I could not minister those things to this woman. And I realized part of me was getting angry. Angry because my job won't let me talk about God. Angry because of what has happened to this woman. Angry that she doesn't feel safe. Angry. The therapist warned me. He warned me about several things: having a plan to de-stress after a day of work and not carrying these clients around with me. But how?

So, a couple of funny things happened though. The first was that I told one mother that I did hate kids. I'm sure that comforted her greatly since I was there to work with her son. That was a winning moment. The other was when I freaked out when a mouse ran across the floor in one home. I did keep my composure in front of the family.

And now for the Moment of the Day. The client is 8 years old.
Therapist: So, how's the client's pet lizard?
Mom of client: Oh, fine. Before client left, client left strict instructions with little brother on how to take care of lizard. Lizard is good. Just ate. Had to buy crickets for it to eat. Can you believe this container of crickets cost $5?
Therapist: Well, why don't you just feed him the roaches that crawl around your house?
Me: (telling myself repeatedly that this is normal)
Mom of client: Yeah, I know. Then I wouldn't have to buy crickets. Save me some money. But my son said he doesn't want to feed the lizard the roaches because they have been in the poison traps. If the lizard eats the roaches, he might get poisioned and die.
Therapist: Yeah, there you go.
Me: Wow. That makes sense.

And it did.

fa, fa, fa, friday

2009-10-16T21:36:00.002-05:00

It's Friday. I'm home alone. The house is quiet. Just me and the dog. I don't mind it all. The kids are off playing sports in Missouri. Wish I was there watching them. The husband is off in some half-n-half town, Talucogee...what? He's leading worship for a work event. Why do people make up names of towns that are half of one town and half of another? Tahlequah +Muskogee = Tahlekogee. What? Texas + Oklahoma = Texhoma. What? Arkansas + Oklahoma = Arkoma. What? Seriously.

I've been seriously aching to buy more MAC makeup. So, I like makeup. So. They have such neat stuff out right now. I'm missing out!

So, in much bigger, more grown up news, my work passed its accreditation survey this week. Easiest process the boss has ever been through he says. It's been an interesting couple of weeks at work I'd say. But the stressful, nerve-wracking event is over. Now on to more stressful things! Next, I will be introduced to clients. Real live people who are counting on me to help them and teach them. Crap! That's a lot of pressure! Luckily, I work with two great therapists. They really are great. In other news, during this crazy time, I managed to amaze my boss. So, I think my job is secure for a few more weeks. Ahem.

With that peace of mind, I'm going back to sewing on the t-shirt quilt I'm making.

life

2009-10-13T22:08:00.002-05:00

I'm intrigued. My pastor asked our leadership team at church to start journaling. We're going to journal together at our leadership meetings. I think it's pretty cool. Sean and I even started doing it with our kids. It's amazing! Seriously! We follow a pattern called S.O.A.P. when we journal. S stands for scripture. O stands for observation. A stands for application. P stands for prayer. It's amazing to me what you can get out of the scriptures! The words and verses just come alive and God speaks in the most fascinating ways! Even our kids realized it when we showed them how to do the journaling. Anyway. I'm doing it on my own too.

Also, the last two weeks have just been draining. Good stuff is happening, but it's just a lot to handle emotionally. We've had some great talks with our kids. Talking about all kinds of things. Relationships, mostly. Moving stuff. Seriously. Also, work has just been stressful. We're right in the middle of our survey/interviews/accreditation meetings. I was seriously worried about several things. God just worked everything out for me. I didn't have to do anything I was originally told I would have to do. That's a good thing. Basically, I would have had to lie about some things. Now that this busy time is over, I'm probably still just getting ready for another busy time! I'm going to begin meeting clients soon. There are so many clients! I don't know how I will be able to see them all each week. Well, I'll deal with that later. For tomorrow, I just need to get through the accreditation and survey. So far, so good.

I'm looking forward to some down time this weekend hopefully. I'd like to get some more sewing done on my t-shirt quilt. I'll have to post pictures soon. It's turning out pretty cool I think! I'm making it completely from scratch...no pattern! I like the challenge.

Until next time...

boom boom pow

2009-10-03T13:04:00.002-05:00

I almost forgot I had a blog! What's up with that? Wow. I don't know what God is doing. He provides a great job opportunity which I took. I have almost been working a month now. Since starting my new job, I have had 3 other job offers! What's up with that? One of the offers is something I was really wanting. Now I don't know if I want it or not. Kind of confusing. This timeline of occurring events.

So. Last weekend my daughter and I dyed our hair. My first time to dye my hair ever. Of course it was my 17 year old daughter's first time. I don't know what I was thinking. We had fun. You can't even really tell mine is dyed. Holly's looked so pretty, but it is already fading. We didn't know we should have used 2 bottles of dye for long hair until after we did it. So, now we know for next time.

Our new church is moving and going forward. We have our first service tonight in our newly rented building. Pretty cool stuff. Sean has been gone every night this week helping with the sound and media stuff. He comes home to sleep basically. After tonight, things will hopefully be back to normal. I can't wait to hang out with him tomorrow. I miss him.

In other news, my oldest son has been diagnosed with swine flu. He didn't feel well Monday night. Tuesday morning Sean took him to the Dr. The Dr. diagnosed with swine and prescribed Tamiflu. We got the meds in him Tuesday night. Devon hasn't had a fever since Wednesday evening. I don't know.... Did we catch they symptoms quick enough? Did he really have the swine flu? Tuesday and most of Wednesday he just slept. Since Wednesday evening though, he's been acting fine. We haven't been taking any precautions though. Sean and I quarantined Devon to his room. We only let him out to use the bathroom. No one else can use the bathroom that Devon is using. I'm wearing a mask every time I go into his room. Washing my hands and disinfecting light switches and doorknobs constantly. Changing my clothes that I wear in his room. Devon is soooo bored that he is getting mad now. I feel bad for him, but I don't want to take any chances on getting anyone else sick.

I'll be glad when we get our computer back. Aaron accidentally downloaded a virus while trying to do some research for school. A friend of ours is fixing it. It's been gone over a week! He is letting us borrow a laptop. But I want my computer! This laptop is kind of slow.

I'll post more about work this week. I should have some interesting stories, I think.

what is going on?

2009-09-10T22:38:00.002-05:00

Just a quick yet random update. I've started my new job. Wow! Lots to learn. Lots to remember. It's exciting though. I'm doing something I've always wanted to do. I'm using my college degree. I'm doing something that all of my personality profiles say I can do well at. I think this will be a good fit for me. I may be in for some culture shock. I'm doing rehab therapy with kids of all ages. Just learning some stories of some kids I've seen already...I can tell that it will be difficult for me to keep from getting attached. I'm really looking forward to learning more. I'm excited to start writing curriculum and getting my lessons and rehab therapies put together. Yay!

I went to a school yesterday for some training and observed a group rehab session with jr. high girls. The session was about organization. One girl in particular really got my attention. She had such a sadness in her eyes. I found out some of her story. She lives in an area surrounding Tulsa where her trailer has no running water. Her family borrows water from their neighbors. She is very embarrassed about her poverty. She does act out in class and group session. Her friends' parents think she is a bad influence on other girls. Therefore she isn't allowed over at one friend's house. She was raped last summer. This girl is in the 8th grade! I can't get this girl out of my head. I think her father knew about the rape and shortly afterwards he started giving her "medication." This girl was going to school all medicated and drugged up. She's such a beautiful girl. At least she is getting help through this program. I wish more could be done for her.

I'm in a unique situation. God, give me wisdom and more creativity on how to teach and reach out to these kids and families.

busy bee

2009-09-02T12:43:00.002-05:00

It's been such a busy time! I can't believe I've hardly posted in the whole month of August. Wow. Sadness. I wonder how I could become a professional writer/blogger. It's something worth my time to look into. I'm running errands today...well, I will be as soon as I get up off this chair! I'm looking forward to seeing Katie and Zach this weekend! Wahoo!

MAC makeup

2009-08-27T12:40:00.008-05:00

Okay, okay. So, I decided I wanted to give this a try...making tutorials. Not that I know anything about makeup. Because I only know what works for me and my skin tone. But makeup is fun, especially MAC! I'm a dork and watch other girls' tutorial videos. I've learned a lot and found some neat tips and ideas on colors. It's kind of a little hobby, if you will, of mine. My collection is very small, but I have a lot to work with. Here is what I'm wearing today...kind of a teal/green look.

I already have foundation, concealer, powder and blush on. I also have contoured my cheekbones, but it's hard to see in this picture. I started with Painterly paint pot as a base and applied it on the lid up to the brow bone. Next, I applied Sumptious Olive eye shadow on the lid and just above the crease.

Next, I took Steamy eye shadow and applied it on the outer half of the lid and crease and blended and blended.

Then, I took Club eye shadow and applied it on the outer V of my eye working it into the crease as well...and blended and blended. I also applied Club on the outer corner of my lower lash line.

Next, I took a white eye shadow by Cover Girl and used it as highlight. Also, I used it to blend out the harsh line from the Sumptious Olive. Next, I applied a dark charcoal gray eye liner to the upper lash line and the outer corner of the water line. I used a light coat of mascara since I felt the colors were a little intense for daytime wear. I didn't want it to be overwhelming.

The finished product on both eyes!

Here are the products I used (from left to right): Sumptious Olive, Steamy, Club. And on bottom, the Painterly paint pot and Snow Blossom by Cover Girl.

This was fun to do. I've been wearing more makeup lately and having fun with different colors I don't normally wear. I tend to stick to light and subtle normally or pinks and purples. I thought I would branch out with some more earthy, but vibrant colors.

I'm also getting some practice in because my daughter and her friends want me to do their makeup for prom. I know that's not until spring, but I need to brush up on my technique! Plus, I need to come up with some more cash to add a few things to my collection!

Who knows...I've been thinking about starting up my own small business as a freelance makeup artist/technician...anyone want to let me practice on them? :)

unity

2009-08-06T09:31:00.003-05:00

"When everyone in the church values everyone else's needs and desires above his or her own needs and desires, the result will inevitably be unity." I read this today by Pastor Steve Weaver.

I've been reading Philippians. This morning, I couldn't get past the first few verses in chapter 2. Unity and humility. At first, I didn't understand how they could go together. Then I realized it was pretty obvious. What does it take to obtain unity? A lack of selfishness for sure. A person can't be humble and selfish. I don't think it works that way. It's interesting. It seems like a lot of people want unity among different things. We need to unite and take a stand and work together and blah blah blah. At the same time, those same people want to be noticed, want recognized, desire attention. Unity doesn't work that way. Unity calls for losing yourself in the crowd so to speak.

Philippians 2:3 says, "Don't be selfish; don't live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself."

I am really challenged by this verse and all that it means. How often do I worry what others think of me? How often do I let others influence what I do? Getting noticed or being thanked or achieving recognition should not be something I'm after. It's not something I try to work for. But, being selfless and thinking of others first is not something I work at either.

If I could be more intentional about thinking of others first...my husband, my kids, for example...what would happen? Just simply changing my thinking to, "What could I do to serve them today?"

Humility brings unity. Being selfless fosters an environment of peace and unity.

remember?

2009-07-23T17:53:00.003-05:00

My blog title is very appropriately named. I do forget things. A lot. More than I really want to admit. This has been a very stressful summer for me and my family, so the forgetfulness has drastically increased. Sometimes it's funny. And sometimes it's not. Forgetting is frustrating. For me, it is. It's weird because I'm a good list-maker. But lately, I never check anything off my list!

But you know, it's all coming back to me now...

I forgot that I don't have to get everything done. I forgot that I don't have to be overwhelmed. I forgot that the valuable, important things come first. I forgot that I need God's peace. I forgot. I don't know how I forgot. But I did.

But you know what the good thing is? I remembered today.

I Can't Make Sense of Life (Ch. 5)

2009-07-22T09:17:00.003-05:00

This is an excerpt from a book I'm reading. Just wanted to share something that was so powerful to me. This excerpt is a word the Lord is speaking to the author (Ruth Senter).

What I do in my world will never completely make sense to you. That is why you must say to yourself, three, four, five times a day: "I do not understand, but He does." I do not need to understand in order to love Him, to know that He loves me.

My answers will not always be there for you (in fact, they usually aren't). My ways will not always make sense to you (in fact, they usually won't). Sometimes My paths do go in circles, follow roundabouts, go south to get north. Sometimes My paths dead-end against an old fence-post sign that reads, "No Trespassing. Keep Out." You will think, "But the route was so clear, so straight, so well-marked!" Driving down a four-lane highway into a dead end will not make sense to you.

It did not make sense to Paul, either, as he packed his bags for what he thought would be a trip to Asia. The map was spread out before him on his nightstand. The candlelight was strong. No misreading of the red and blue lines, no doubts about the route. Asia or bust. But the border guards said no. I said no. Paul's path dead-ended against an old fence-post sign that read, "No Trespassing. Keep Out."

So what do you do when it seems as if I took you on a wrong turn to nowhere? Spend a day in a motel in seclusion rereading a map? Fast and pray for a week so that you might understand what went wrong? Form a committee to study the theology of closed doors and dead ends? Put Me under a microscope to try to figure out how I strategize missionary trips?

Oh, My child, when you come up against the dead-end signs, don't try to unscramble My plan. Come into My presence and let Me love you. Rest in My love and you will be reassured that My plan is loving, even though it makes no sense.

Then you won't be paralyzed by apparent wrong turns. You will forget Asia for the time being, get a good night's rest, wake with the sun to a new vision, and head out in a new direction. Perhaps later the trip will make sense, perhaps never. But you will keep moving, surrounded by My love, confident in My ability to keep My creation on track. You will know whom you have believed, and will be convinced that I am able to guard what you have entrusted to Me for My ultimate outcome.

home on the range

2009-07-19T09:41:00.002-05:00

We made it home from camp! Actually, I think we've made it home from everything. For a while I was wondering when I would get to sleep in my own bed! The next three weeks will hopefully prove to be some down time before school starts. Once again the summer zipped right past us.

Camp was good this year. It was nice to get away. I didn't catch much of the services though. Sean and I lead worship this year. Well, I didn't actually lead, but I was a part of the worship team. We both played the morning and evening services. When you add that time to the rehearsal time plus the altar/decision time...we were playing/singing like 5-6 hours a day! That's a lot! We also taught a worship workshop. That was pretty cool. Stretching for us and for the kids who came. It was really a neat thing. Our days were pretty full. We didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with friends or anything. We did have a few meaningful conversations though. Camp was really different this year since we didn't go with a church. I guess it really didn't matter though. There was a team game that you could "belong to." We had other friends that we ate meals with and hung out with. But, I still missed "belonging" to a church group at camp. Kind of weird. Since we're not with a church right now, I expected questions. There were some. Not as many as I anticipated...maybe because some people were kind enough not to ask...maybe because I didn't hang around long enough to give people an opportunity. It's not anyone's fault for asking. We were with that church for 7 years and now we're not...why wouldn't someone ask? I would ask me.

I find myself still asking, "why?" I keep wanting to know why. I keep wanting a reason...a good one. It wasn't our choice to leave the church we were at. So, why can't we be there? I keep asking myself stuff like that a lot. I don't know why I ask myself. I don't have the answer! But, I do keep asking God. I was really, really moved this past week...at a church we visited and at camp. I may never have the answer I want/need. I may never know "why." Can I trust God? Will I trust God? Will I? A word was spoken at this church: "Stop praying to find answers, and start praying to find Him." I know that's what I've been doing. I keep asking God why I'm at this place in my life. How did I get here? Why am I here? On and on and on....

I can open my heart to the Lord and ask those things, but really, have I forgotten why I'm praying? Have I become so focused on finding answers that I forgot He already has all the answers? How could I forget simply who He is? What is the purpose of my prayers? What are the intentions of my heart? Have I really connected with God, or am I just venting again? Pretty challenging stuff to re-focus on Christ. Re-focus. Re-orient. Re-align. Re-. Do it again.

family time - part 1

2009-07-09T08:22:00.008-05:00

Zach playing on the slide at McDonald's. He loved it!

Terri playing games with the kids at Incredible Pizza.

Here we are at Grand Lake. Katie wanted to pretend to fix my hair. Only the little rat untied my swimsuit! She is such a nut!

We got to spend some time with Bo while he was home for Meghan's funeral. Katie decided Bo was her friend.

oh bruce

2009-07-09T07:58:00.002-05:00

This whole transition time in our lives is hard. I'm ready for something new. I'm ready to move on from what we are leaving behind. I'm sad about moving on. I don't like moving on, but I have to. Okay, I'm not actually ready to move on, but I guess the thought process of moving on makes things easier to deal with. Moving on in your life suggests you are leaving something behind. It suggests maybe you haven't dealt with everything. To me, it suggests that I might have to just forget something. I don't want to forget. One of my friends has a funny saying, "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!" That saying has been in my head a lot lately. It demands moving! Moving on from where I'm at. I can't stay where I'm at. I have to go somewhere else. That saying is really true for me right now in a sense. I can't stay where I'm at right now. I can't stay in this place. I have to move on. If I don't move, I'll never get anywhere.

The Lord reminded me of this passage this morning...
Ephesians 3:14-21
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I want to be strengthened. And the only place I want to be rooted is in Christ's love. Not Tulsa. Not a particular church. Just rooted in Christ. Just rooted in His love for me. Why do I always forget God's promises? I'm so glad He takes time to remind me.

what a week!

2009-06-26T10:23:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure I've ever had a week as crazy or stressful as this one. Even the week of my wedding wasn't this crazy. Life. Hmm. Early Saturday morning, I was sleeping. I thought I heard my phone ring but was so groggy I didn't really know what the sound was. A few minutes later, Sean's phone rang. My dad was calling. I just figured he wanted to know when we were coming because we had planned to spend the day with him for Father's Day. Sean hung up and then came to see if I was awake. He had tears in his eyes as he told me that my cousin, Meghan, and her husband, Jason, had been in a car accident. I started feeling somewhat alarmed. Like I better hurry and get dressed so we can get to the hospital. Then Sean said, "Meghan didn't make it." I felt paralyzed. I was shocked. I remember saying, "Sean if you're joking with me right now, I will hurt you." But I knew he wasn't. I cried. I felt sick. I couldn't think. Where did the accident happen? When did it happen? Where is Jason? Is he okay? Did Meghan have her seatbelt on? She never wears her seatbelt. Does Bo know? Who is going to tell him? When is he coming home? No one knew what was going on. We spent the day trying to make sense of the news. I felt like I was in a fog for several days. Not even knowing what day it was.

I don't know if anyone still knows the complete story. Jason and Meghan were driving home around 3:00am Saturday morning. Jason swerved to miss a deer. He lost control of his truck and was sliding down the road sideways. The truck went off the road and went up in a tree and tipped over. Meghan was thrown from the truck and died instantly. I'm not sure how she was thrown out or how she landed. But her face must have been the first thing that made contact with the tree or the truck. The funeral was closed casket. Very very sad. That makes it harder to know that she is really gone. I kept thinking, "If I could just see her in the casket, then I would know she's really gone." I kept wondering if I could handle the sight if I chose to view her body. I decided I couldn't. Meghan's mother and brother had the casket opened to see Meghan. I asked Bo about it. He said he wished he'd never done it. I don't know how he will ever get that picture of her out of his head.

Meghan was so funny and so special and so nice. She was quiet and shy most times. But she was friendly to everyone. She loved her family. She was probably the most proud of her brother than anyone else. She talked about Bo all the time. Meghan grew up at our house. You could find her and Bo at our house every weekend and most nights of the week. We played all kinds of stuff. Meghan liked to play dolls and Barbies. As she got older she always wanted to play with makeup and fixing her hair. Meghan always made me laugh. She was so beautiful. She loved animals too. She always had a dog she was taking care of. I am going to miss her so much.

Sean was admitted to the hospital for a couple days this week. Sunday night he wasn't feeling well with a stomach ache. Nothing too major. It was a little worse Monday. Monday night it was really bad and he didn't sleep all night. He went to work Tuesday morning and then left to go to the doctor. The doctor checked him over and sent him on to St. John's ER. They ran some tests on him and finally decided to admit him. His pain wasn't getting any better. He had to have pain medication about every hour or so. They did several tests on him: CT scan, ultrasound, EDG, and EKG. They found nothing but a small ulcer on his esophagus. The doctor said that wouldn't cause the pain he was having. Wednesday night his pain started to go away. He was scheduled to have another CT scan on Thursday morning, but the doctor said he needed to wait because he had just had one the day before. They dye in the IV wouldn't work correctly. So, they released him with a RX for pain and Nexium. He goes back in two weeks for another CT scan. We'll see what they find.

I've been having a tooth problem for over a year now. I got two root canals a year ago. I never did go back and have permanent crowns put on. Now, I think my semi-permanent fillings are cracked. It is painful. Wednesday night my mouth started hurting. I could hardly eat. Yesterday morning, the whole right side of my face was hurting. I was about to ask Sean's nurse for a shot of something. It was bad. I took some Aleve and stuff and finally, after a couple of hours started feeling some relief! I've got to get back to the dentist and just have them pull these suckers! They have been nothing but pain and problems for me. Plus, I need to find time to follow-up on my tests done for kidney stones! When do I find time for this?!

I'm also still looking for a job. I thought I had this one nailed. Two interviews. The C.O.O. tells me I'm their top candidate. Then he calls me and tells me they hired someone else. What is up with that crap? Now, I'm back at square one. This is so stupid!

In other more positive news...my sister got a cute swimsuit at Name Brand Clothing for $8! How does she find these bargains?! I want one! And my sister and her kids are here for a few weeks. It's always good to have her close by. My neice and nephew are the cutest things. I love them!

Today is a new day. Here's hoping it's going to be a great one!

Meghan's story according to...

2009-06-21T23:58:00.003-05:00

Here is a link to the story that was posted in the Tulsa World.

Visitation is at Luginbuel's in Vinita on Tuesday, June 23 from 6-8pm. Funeral service is Wednesday at 2:00pm at Church on the Lake in Ketchum.

Meghan Louise Price Hitchcock

2009-06-20T09:32:00.008-05:00

Meghan

November 15, 1987 -- June 20, 2009

All the "brothas and sistas" on Meg's wedding day, July 25, 2008

Me saying, "Meg! You're getting married!"

Meg saying, "Tonya!"

My sisters.

running

2009-06-18T11:04:00.001-05:00

oh yeah. I ran a mile in 14:03 last night. Shaved 17 seconds off my time. You could say I'm proud.

all-american reject

2009-06-18T10:59:00.002-05:00

The dream job called me this morning. I should have known it really was a dream job. After two interviews and the C.O.O. telling me I was the top candidate, he called me to say they hired someone else. Now, can someone tell me what is up with that? Seriously. Honestly, part of me is upset, and the other part is relieved. I've really been praying for the right job. I know others are praying for me as well. I hate to waste time being upset over this, when it really just feels like confirmation that this wasn't the job God has in mind for me. Ok, then. So, God. What job do you have in mind? I'm all eyes and ears. It would be great if you could make it a little more obvious. Ok, God. You're starting to stress me out a little. I need a job. Oh wait. I'm supposed to be trusting you, right? Crap.

running update

2009-06-17T09:30:00.002-05:00

I would also like to add that I ran 1.5 miles yesterday...and walked 1.5 miles. I was pushing myself to see if I could really do it. I can. Dang. I was also trying to go further in distance to try and work out some of the soreness out of my legs. Didn't really help that so much. I've only maintained my weight this week. My body is taking better shape, but no poundage lost. It might be time to start back with the help of my diet pill...or start cutting back on carbs. That will help drop some weight.

I think I'm going to stick with running 1.5 miles for the next week or so. That is pretty challenging to me right now. I need to focus on my endurance right now. I'll have to work on my time later. I really want to make it through the run without stopping. I think I could cut more time off my run after I drop some more weight. I could run faster.

So, next on the checklist...endurance and diet.

nerves

2009-06-17T09:17:00.003-05:00

I sure have a lot of nerve. Too many actually. Makes me anxious. Makes me worry. Makes me wonder. Makes me over-analyze. Am I doing the right thing? Am I making the right decision? What if it doesn't work out this way? What if this doesn't happen? It's exhausting.

Philippians 4:8 (Msg) "Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst, the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse."

training

2009-06-14T19:42:00.003-05:00

I've been exercising with Holly to help her with her volleyball workout. It's been really good. I've lost a few pounds and am starting to see my body take a different shape...a good shape. I've always wanted to run in a 5K or something like that. John 3:16 Mission is sponsoring a run in the fall, and so I've decided to train for it and enter. I'm not sure what my goals are yet, but I'm working on it. I'm excited really! I think I might be getting addicted to running. I've been running on a treadmill. I'd like to do some of my training outside. I'm going to mark a good route outdoors in my neighborhood to start running. I'll be posting some updates on my training in the months to come.

In other news, I'm still looking for a job. I had two interviews last week. I have one this week. I'm wondering if these are my only options, or if God has something else in mind. I should know something about my employment future by the end of the week. That would be good. While I'm not worrying and fretting, I'm trying to rely on God to provide what my family needs and what I want. Not always easy.

Father's Day is this weekend. I'm not sure what to buy for my husband, my dad, or my father-in-law. The thinking continues....

criticism vs. wisdom

2009-06-01T21:46:00.002-05:00

I was driving in downtown Tulsa this afternoon. I decided to drive down a street I haven't been on in a while. Unfortunately this was a bad decision. I had to wait briefly at a stoplight. As I was waiting for the light to turn green, I looked over to my left and saw two guys walking down the street. Both had only shorts and shoes on. No shirts. One was bent over rolling his pant legs up to make shorts. The waist band of his pants (no exageration) was 3/4 of the way down on his butt. He did have boxers on. His stomach overlapped the boxers and the pants. Why? I know it was 90 degrees but seriously. Why do guys wear their pants that low? To show off their printed boxers? Is it a sign of suggestion that they are easy? Are they really just trying to stay cool? Are extremely baggy pants the only ones they can afford? Can they not afford a belt? Is not cool anymore to wear a belt? Some guys wear those super baggy pants with belts!! I don't get it. At first the guy totally disgusted me with his saggy pant get-up and his buttcrack. Then I felt bad for him. Is he just trying to fit in?

today is the day

2009-05-27T10:08:00.002-05:00

Today is the day. I will be productive. I will be motivated. I will be determined. To get laundry done. To clean my room. To find a job. To live life with no regrets.

Well....maybe.

break free

2009-05-21T10:55:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is my kids' last day of school. It has been quite a year I'll say. It's been a tough year for me emotionally, but a really good year for our whole family. Relieving the stress of home school is just what our family needed. The kids have done really well in their studies...well, we are still waiting for one particular child to prove that...and they have made lots of friends and gotten to experience so many things. Our home environment is so much more relaxed. At first, I had no idea what to do with myself. No papers to grade. No homework to nag about. No lessons to prepare. No research to do. No book shopping. No kids with me 24/7. It was hard to let that go, and I soon realized how much I missed their company. Thank goodness they still like to talk to me about what's going on at school! The first couple months of the kids being in school I had no idea what to do on my days off at home! I had time to myself! I had free time! Now I have adjusted rather well to my free time, and it ends tomorrow for the summer! Now I find myself thinking of things to keep them busy just to give myself a little personal time! I'm glad the kids will be home. They have worked hard (with the exception of one maybe) and deserve a break. I am so proud of them. Maybe I'll learn how to work hard and be motivated like them!

All three kids are really into sports now. I love that! Holly has learned so much being on a team this year. She has grown and matured so much! She is playing volleyball in the fall and has a summer workout program. I am going to do it with her. Gives her accountability. Gives me exercise. Gives us time to bond. I'm realizing more and more how much she is growing up. She'll be 18 this fall. She's growing up and faster than I realize will be moving out on her own. The boys too. Crazy how time goes so fast.

Time to go pick up my posse!

verbage

2009-05-20T08:20:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, Sean and I took a mini road trip. We had good times in the van talking and laughing. More and more we are just loving being together. I think we are coming to a new place of understanding each other better. That's always a good thing. We went to have lunch with another couple who are becoming very dear friends and mentors to us. The atmosphere that is created between people when there are no walls, no hidden motives, no great expectations is the sweetest thing I have ever known. To talk about anything in an open, honest, real and genuine way is so liberating. It's freeing. The more Sean and I are around that; the more we are engaged to talk that way; the more we want to help others experience that. Why can't we be real? Why do we need to hide anything? The one thing about special times like these is that it can take a while to process everything said! That's a pretty cool thing though. Sean and I have a lot to talk about now. We are loving it.

red-faced

2009-05-15T06:08:00.002-05:00

So, I have poison ivy on my face. I knew I would probably get it. I was helping Sean work in the yard Monday night. I started trimming limbs and stuff off the fence line. I'd gotten it before back there while mowing last summer. Shouldn't I know better? I checked all the leaves before working. I didn't see any that added up to three...or maybe I just miscounted? The few small spots on my legs are already drying up. The stuff on my face has spread out some and now my left eye is only half open because of the puffy swelling. I've tried to google home remedies. How come no one is sharing their home remedies??!! People, put these things on the internet so others will know what to do! And not have to go to the doctor! I'm going to have to go to Claremore to wait 3 hours just to get a shot. Unless they offer a pill. I'm ready to bargain.

Hey now, you're an all-star...

2009-05-06T11:01:00.003-05:00

We went to the Athletic Awards Ceremony last night at the school. The kids each got a certificate and pin for participating in their sport. Holly played soccer. Devon played tennis. Aaron played baseball. There were a few struggles for the kids this season, but they really did a good job. I was really proud to see them get their award last night.

check, please!

2009-05-04T17:52:00.003-05:00

Someone told me recently that I'm not really all that outgoing. I'm unsure whether that should be taken as an offense or a compliment. I think I'm borderline. I can be extroverted when I want to be, but I don't like to do it very often. You don't have to be outgoing to make great relationships. I think I'll take it as a compliment. I mean, hey, it just means I'm not obnoxious! Ha!

I sure hate it when people say, "Never mind!" I mean why did they ask you something in the first place? Just to check and see if you're listening? Just to see if you'll actually do whatever it is they had in mind? Sometimes I say "never mind" to people...just to get a laugh. I see how that really sucks now after having it done to me. I'm going to think twice before I do that to someone else again. I want my words to count for something. I don't want to be talking just to add to the air quality.

Yup, it's going to be an interesting week. Hopefully, no flooding...but I wouldn't mind a nice rain storm. It makes for good reading!

rainy saturday

2009-05-02T13:56:00.002-05:00

I'm kind of bored. I slept in. I want to go see the Hannah Montana movie. I just might.

1963

2009-05-01T09:49:00.002-05:00

Oh what a night. Isn't that how the song goes? It's been a night. I didn't sleep well. Today I'm wondering how you can know when God is speaking to you. I believe He speaks to different people in different ways. But what if you hear wrong? Is it possible to not hear God...I mean, is it possible to not hear God is you are purposefully praying and seeking and listening for Him? I guess I just really don't understand. Does God confuse us on purpose? No, probably not. Wow. I don't get it.

another day, another dollar

2009-04-29T08:31:00.003-05:00

It is another day, but I still have only one dollar. Sometimes I only type just what pops into my head at the moment. It's more fun that way. Keeps things fresh.

I'm about to go back to bed for the day. I'm feeling the kidney stone pain. Sadness. It's not comfortable.

I think I'll watch a movie. I forgot I was getting on the computer to do that anyway.

WCA Soccer Champs!

2009-04-28T09:21:00.004-05:00

This photo was taken April 18. The Lady Wildcats dominated Grace 3-0 for the State championship! So proud of the girls! My daughter is standing in the back next to the girl with the long-sleeved black shirt under her uniform.

This photo was taken April 25 at the Tri-State Tournament. The Lady Wildcats played Grace again and won 3-1! They are not only the state champs, but the Tri-State champs! Awesome job by the Lady Wildcats! My daughter is kneeling and the third from the left.

Here is my daughter, Holly, with her Tri-State champ medal!

excited!

2009-04-28T09:08:00.002-05:00

I'm so excited about what God is doing in my life! I'm so excited about what God is going to do in my life! I'm so excited about the place I'm at in my life! It's really an exciting time. It's been a good couple of weeks...learning, praying, talking, listening. Really good.

I'm not excited about cleaning my room or the kitchen today or folding laundry. I want to sew. All day. I want to get a mocha or vanilla caramel latte, put a movie on and just sew. I even have a new sewing machine I got for Christmas! I just got it out of the box last week. Still don't know how to use it yet. I've got to make time for that. Sewing is awesome.

I'm excited about getting a break from my kids playing sports. We'll have a break for a few weeks before they start back for the summer and fall.

I'm excited about spending more time with my friends. I'm going to start making more time for my friends.

I'm excited.

friends

2009-04-22T11:42:00.002-05:00

I'm so thankful for honest, supportive friends. Friends who pray for you. Seriously. Friends who are honest with you. Friends who aren't afraid to be honest with you. Friends who aren't afraid to be themselves. Friends who encourage you to be your true self. Friends who will cry with you...or let you cry. Friends who will scream with you! Friends who will be happy with you!

I think have some friends like that in my life. I want to be a friend like that to other people.

life is a highway

2009-04-20T14:06:00.003-05:00

and I do not want to ride it all night long. Sometimes life gets confusing, I guess. At least I'm confused right now. Nothing really makes sense. I'm just having a weird time. I'm awaiting some answers on some things in my life. I keep listening. I keep looking at my phone to see if an email came. I keep talking to some people hoping to hear the answer I'm looking for. I've been waiting in a room all morning with my son at a health clinic. It is no fun waiting. I played with my phone. I watched the video they were showing. I napped. I stared. I listened to everyone talking around me. I prayed. I made annoying noises with my water bottle. I almost cried a few times...from waiting for so long! Waiting isnt' fun. I guess waiting is what you have to do sometimes to get what you want. I was starting to think the doctors made us wait to be called last on purpose. Or maybe they forgot we were even there. What if God forgets I'm waiting? I guess He and I aren't working on the same time table, so maybe there's no danger there. What do you do while you wait? Do you sit patiently in your chair until your name is called? Or, do you bother the receptionist every 10 minutes to see if you're next?

no water

2009-04-18T07:22:00.002-05:00

On our way home last night at about midnight, Sean and I noticed our neighborhood streets were soaked. I said, "Wow, it only rained in our neighborhood?" Well, as we got closer to our cul-de-sac we saw the big hole in the ground and barricades. A water main busted somehow for some reason. The city people are working on it. I keep hearing lots of noise and banging sounds. But, every time I check the faucet, there is no water coming out. My mom and dad-in-law are coming tonight. I need to wash some bedding. I may have to venture out and take my chances at a laundry mat. At least I have my 100-pound son to take with me. He will surely defend me if necessary.

pharisee

2009-04-16T08:16:00.003-05:00

I should have edited a note to add to my last post. But I guess I'm on a somewhat new line of thinking. Well. I wish I had a book here with me called Extreme Righteousness: Seeing Ourselves in the Pharisees. I read that book in college for my Matthew class. I think I need to read it again. I wonder if I am a Pharisee. So legalistic. So pious. So self-righteous. So self-consumed.

How can I have a true relationship with God living like that? It seems like my attitude would get in the way. My excuses would get in the way. It seems like that type of relationship would be all about control. Does a Pharisee think they can control their righteousness by what they do?

Over the past couple of weeks, I've realized how much of Pharisee I've become and have been. I can't believe how free I feel, how liberated I feel to know I can have a relationship with Christ based on just having a relationship!!! I feel like I've discovered something brand new!

mindblowing

2009-04-16T07:55:00.001-05:00

I am completely in awe that God wants me simply for who I am. I can't believe He wants to know me. Seriously, He simply wants me. He simply loves me. Does anyone else even understand that?

change

2009-04-15T08:25:00.002-05:00

So, I changed the look of my blog. I was getting tired of looking at the pink. But hey, I might get tired of looking at purple. For now, it's what I like.

I'm resting this week. Well, resting and seeking and searching and thinking and praying and hoping and laughing and spending and more...

What is my limit? Sometimes you come to a place where you just hit a wall; you can't take whatever it is you're dealing with anymore. You just have to stop. You have to readjust and refocus. That's where I'm at today. I've hit a wall. I don't know how to talk to it or reason with it. I don't know how to climb over it or knock it down. I can't find my way around it. That's where paragraph 2 comes in.

God, where do you want me? When? Wow. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

stir it up

2009-04-01T17:11:00.002-05:00

I really don't like when some people share all of their business on their blogs. But then again, I kind of admire their courage to just lay it all out there. Does it take a certain kind of confidence or bravery to be so open and vulnerable with everyone around you? Maybe there's nothing to hide, but is it wise?

There's a lady that I know that I just kind of try and shadow. She's amazing, wise, kind, approachable, and comfortable. She's comfortable with herself, with others around her. Some of the things about her, I want for my own life. So, when she is around, I try and absorb from her. Like I wonder if osmosis would work...hhhmmm. This lady was in town recently, and I had the opportunity to snag a few hours of her time and just talk with her.

I had no agenda other than trying to learn at least one little something while visiting with her. A few hours and some tears later, I did learn a little something. I learned a lot of little somethings. Some of those little somethings I'm having trouble remembering. I recalled something I heard back at OCC...truth is your friend. I should give Kaylene credit for that. That's a good thing to remember.

So, I've been thinking about truth. What is truth? Truth is actuality, a transcendant (surpassing/extending) fundamental or spiritual reality (Webster's). Well, I know the opposite of truth is a lie. God does not lie. He is constant. He can't lie. He can't be unfaithful. So, He has to be truth. I wonder how many truths about God I know. Truth is mentioned in the NLT 269 times. We give glory to God by telling the truth. God's Word is truth. Sometimes truth has to have proof with it. We can led by the truth (Ps. 25:5). The Lord delights in those who tell the truth (Pr. 12:22). Sometimes telling/speaking the truth can be difficult. We must worship in truth. The truth will set us free (John 8:32). The Holy Spirit will lead me into truth (John 14:17; 16:13). Romans 1:19 even says that God has made the truth about himself obvious. We can't oppose the truth (2 Cor. 13:8). Truth can give me confidence. If I don't listen to the truth, I could drift away from it all together. If I am not obeying God, I am not living in His truth. 1 John 3:19...wow...my actions will tell whether I am living in truth or not. Following or living in truth brings joy.

Ok. So, now what? Now that I know better what truth is and what can happen if I do or don't live by it...what is truth? Is there just one collective truth, or are there a lot of smaller truths that I need to know?

it keeps on happening

2009-04-01T00:23:00.000-05:00

so, today is my birfday. i will love this day.

rolling down the river

2009-03-31T08:19:00.002-05:00

I didn't much sleep the night before last. I worked hard yesterday getting some things done. I'm still a little delirious and foggy from not having enough sleep. Sleep is good. Sleep is wonderful. I need more and more of it as I get older. Yes, it's true. So, off to work I go...this should be an interesting day. Two of my kids have games this evening. I'm supposed to pick one of the kids up after school. I hope I can remember which one.

props

2009-03-30T07:48:00.003-05:00

I am thanking myself for staying up so late to do laundry for my family. My husband so sweetly gave me a hug and kiss. My kids were snoring so they have no idea I stayed up until 3am washing their blessed little school clothes. But hey...I got behind this week in laundry. I don't know if I had a choice. It was either do some laundry or let my kids get a detention for breaking dress code. One detention wouldn't hurt them, I guess. And after all, they are always complaining about having to wear dress code. It could be fun...or not.

So, I should be going back to bed. But, I'm awake now. What?!?

I played a game last night at church. I had to eat a blow pop and then blow a bubble with the gum first to win. I was beat by a few seconds. Man. I'm going to maybe start practicing that. I know I could win.

seriously!

2009-03-26T17:25:00.002-05:00

The title of my blog suits me well I'd say. I do often tend to forget things...only momentarily. My friend Jenni used to tell me that I am the most disorganized organized person she knows. It's true. I can get things in order. I can make lists. I can organize tasks, files, people, etc. Then I forget what I did or where I put something. I think I've become more aware of how silly I am over the last few years. It's really getting worse. Maybe I just have too much going on to try and remember anything. I might misplace a shopping list. I might misplace my keys. I might even forget where I just put the laundry soap.

It drives me crazy when I do it myself. Now, my kids are not really organized. I've learned to adjust to that. But, I'm just about to go insane if they forget one more thing! They are forgetting to turn in homework...forgetting their lunches...forgetting their books...forgetting they have sports practice...forgetting to let me know where they have practice at in order to be picked up...forgetting sports equipment that they need in order to play in a game!

I'm going to Walgreen's to stock up on some ginseng and ginko.

welcome!

2009-03-26T08:18:00.002-05:00

I've been reading other blogs about couponing and such. I've decided to join in. It makes shopping a little more fun...there's a challenge to really work the best deal you can. You save money! So, why not?

I recently joined the Walgreen's club...and soon there will be two CVS stores in the Tulsa area! More deals!

So, I went to Walgreen's this week and tried to work some magic. I had $7.13 on my Wag's gift card from last month. I didn't get a chance to take a picture of my haul. I purchased several items though. After subtracting my coupons and my gift card balance from the grand total, I only owed $21.24. However, I will be getting $13 back on my gift card! I only paid $8 out of pocket for all the stuff I got...3 cans of soup, 1 can of Pam cooking spray, 36 pack of tampons, tube of toothpaste, garnier fructis shampoo, two 4-packs of pudding, and some Axe hair putty. Not a bad deal for $8!!

friday

2009-03-13T08:19:00.001-05:00

i wish i could stay home today. but i can't. i have to go to work for a bit. today is friday. i want to fully enjoy it. we leave on sunday to go visit my sister!

roxanne

2009-03-11T06:37:00.003-05:00

Sean and I went and worked out again this morning. Crazy how we we've been consistent...two days in a row. It's always great to exercise when you have gas. Walking on the treadmill really helps with that; just works the gas right out of you. I just hope that girl beside me didn't smell anything. I mean, I didn't smell anything. I'm just saying.

My friend Jennis has inspired me to blog more.

I'm concerned about the house at the end of our street. They often have a red light on as their porch light. I wonder if a red porch light means the same thing as it used to. Does it really mean a hooker is working there? Can I just be candid for a moment? That light was on for several nights in a row. Now it hasn't been on for several nights. Maybe it's like a real business. You would think whoever is turning the red light on or off would post their hours or something. I'm just saying.

Ok. I finally got to watch American Idol last night. I've missed several weeks. I'm glad they used some Michael Jackson songs! But honestly, could just anyone sing Michael Jackson? I submit that you can not. Anyone trying to sing his music is just going to ruin it. No offense. You just can't mess with Michael Jackson. Now, I didn't get to see all of the singers. I thought Adam did the best of all that I saw. Well, that Alexis did totally rock out on "Dirty Diana." Is it just me or did most of those contestants not sing on key?

On to more serious things.

I read something interesting last night. Colossians 1:22 "Yet now he has brought you back as his friends. He has done this through his death on the cross in his own human body. As a result, he has brought you into the very presence of God, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault." I mean...I was a sinner, and Christ brought me back as a friend of His very own through His death?!? And in God's presence (because of Jesus' death) I am without fault and blameless?!? Holy moly! Ephesians 1:4 "Long ago, even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes." So, am I automatically a friend of Christ? Do I have to accept His salvation to be a friend? Can you only be blameless and without fault in his sight if you are a friend? Who is "us" in Ephesians 1:4? All people? The believers? The Ephesians? I hope God sees me that way, you know. Blameless. Without a single fault. I get tired of knowing and being reminded that I'm not blameless and have sooo many faults! It can get really discouraging knowing that I pretty much suck. It's pretty stinking cool that God doesn't see me that way! What hope and encouragement!

why is it still dark?

2009-03-10T06:34:00.002-05:00

It's time for another post. I got up at 4:30am. Holy moly. My husband and I went to work out together. Working out together is nice. Getting up at 4:30am is not nice. Early morning is the only time we can work out...and the only time we can work out together. Something must really be wrong with our busy lives. Yes, I'm sure there is. I think it has something to do with the fact that we have three teenagers who all are playing sports. And it's still dark outside.

My friend, Jenni, was in town and stayed with me this weekend. That was really cool. We had a chance to talk and catch up...and laugh! We always laugh a lot when we're together. Good times. In a few weeks, she's off to Cambodia. I just have mixed feelings about that. Jenni is amazing.

Here's to another manic Monday.

today

2009-02-24T22:22:00.002-06:00

Well, I've decided that today is the day to update. I've been meaning to for a while. I just have gotten really good at procrastinating lately. Jenni might be proud, but I don't think my husband is necessarily. Sean and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary the end of January. That was pretty cool. Sean had Plan A, but that didn't work out. So, we went with Plan B. Plan B was waaaaaay better! We went to Branson, and he got us a room at the Chateau on the Lake. What a great husband! He booked us a massage and spa bath at the hotel's spa. What a great husband! We also had a very nice dinner together. What a great husband! It was a really nice weekend. What a guy!

In other news, all three of the kids have started their sports now. Aaron is playing baseball. Devon is playing tennis. Holly is playing soccer. So, I guess there's no backing out now! The kids are loving being involved...and they're being active! Sean and I really like that.

So, I'm not sure what else I should update about. I've been having some weird dreams lately. Like, I've been waking up in the night freaked out, those kind of dreams. I'm learning to pray. I pray about those dreams. I pray against the fear. I rebuke Satan. There is so much power in prayer that I never realized. There is so much power in our words. I never realized that either. Our words bring healing and life or death and depression. I know that is in James. I guess I'm just experiencing this more. I've been talking with some friends about the importance of words. I don't have to accept the things people speak over me. Maybe they're not really speaking something over me, but if someone speaks something to me. I have the choice to accept it or not. I said something the other day to a friend about having allergies and how they bother me. She looked at me funny and said, "Don't claim that for yourself!" She was right! I don't have to accept these allergies. I can be healed. This has all been going over and over in my mind the last week. It sure makes me think before I say something out loud. That can only be a good thing!

dress to empress

2009-01-08T21:20:00.002-06:00

That just so happens to be the name of my new nail polish. Sean called me on his way home from work and wanted to know if I wanted to meet him at our favorite nail place for a pedicure. I said, "Heck yes!" So, jumped in the van and headed to ULTA to pick out a new nail polish. I grabbed a cup of coffee, too. We both got a pedicure and a manicure. Yes, my husband periodically gets pedicures and manicures. I think it's awesome! Hip hip hurray for my wonderful husband!

happy new year

2009-01-03T18:44:00.003-06:00

Well, we made it through the holidays. I think my family was on the verge of a meltdown, but we made it through. Sean and I attended several Christmas parties. Then the week of Christmas we set off to travel around the 4-state area to be with family. My sister and her family came to be with us for Christmas this year. That was fun! Traveling during the holidays is just stressful! Holly and Sean both had a birthday we celebrated. The kids go back to school Monday. This week should be interesting as they get back in the routine of going to bed and getting up early and doing homework. Yep, should be very interesting indeed.

We had a very blessed Christmas. We all got many nice things. I even got a new sewing machine! I haven't got it out of the box yet, but I will soon! Sean is getting me a new bass guitar which I will post pictures of when that comes in. That's exciting! So, if we can make it through this next week, we should be good.

Sean and I will be celebrating 5 years of marriage on January 31. I'm looking forward to that more and more since Sean says our little celebration will be a surprise. Wow...a surprise.

it just keeps on creeping up

2008-12-16T17:55:00.002-06:00

So, I'm feeling really sad. And old. Really old. I was doing a search on facebook and happened upon some kids with the same (rare) last name as some people I knew when I was a teenager. Turns out that those kids are the kids of the kids I knew! These kids are graduating high school and stuff. Wow. Makes me feel really old. Jenni and I used to always say we would never "be" old. Sometimes I think I operate in the mindset that I'm still college-age. When something happens I wonder who will take care of it or who will take care of me. Ha! I find myself saying things to my own kids like, "When I was your age...." Whoa! I've also caught myself thinking back to what my parents did in certain situations with me...because my kids are in the same situation! Ack! I'm feeling short of breath. My chest feels tight. Oh gosh, I think panic is setting in....I'm old!!!!!

hammer time

2008-12-11T18:56:00.002-06:00

All I can think about is my sister and her family coming to visit for Christmas! We haven't been together for Christmas in 4 years! I'm sooooo excited! I'll be playing cards with Nate and Terri, teaching Zach how to walk, oh yeah, and playing with The Brat! Katie is not a brat all the time, but that's my loving, affectionate nickname for her. I'm excited!

an epiphany

2008-12-09T20:49:00.006-06:00

I love the name of my blog. It fits me. I forget stuff a lot it seems. Sean and I went to Branson this weekend. I semi-lost our Silver Dollar City tickets. I misplace my ear warmer/headband thingy. I put a small sack inside of a larger sack in trying to create more space and then forgot what I did with the small sack. My friend Jenni would say this is typical of me, I guess. Sean says I do this quite often. I've noticed that my mother does this on a daily basis. Um, I think I misplace stuff in an organized way.

I had a good time with Sean this weekend. We never get a chance to get away except we do take some time away around our anniversary. So, this was pretty neat for us. We played dominoes...which I won 2 out 3 games! He's teaching me well I'd say! We shopped and walked around Silver Dollar City remembering the times we went as kids. I forgot how much Sean makes me laugh. Good times. Good times.

This is me trying to lighten the moment. We just got to the entrance of Silver Dollar City and realized I left the tickets in the van.

We watched the Christmas Carol in SDC...awesome show!

Sean standing up straight in Grandfather's Mansion!

Don't let your small children see this, folks! Don't worry. Frosty was not harmed in any way in the making of this photo. My husband is only pretending.

get-a-way car

2008-12-04T08:22:00.002-06:00

Sean and I are headed out of town today for a fun little get-a-way weekend in Branson. I've had this planned as a surprise since October. I did end up telling him a few weeks ago so he could prepare things at work. This is just perfect timing. Sean had a super busy week at work last week. He needs some down time to relax. We haven't had a get-a-way just the two of us since our anniversary. So, we're excited! I'm looking forward to a few days with my bestest friend!

Christmas surprise!

2008-12-01T12:21:00.007-06:00

Avalon is in the back on the riser.

At the front of the stage is Natalie Grant, Michael English, Casting Crowns, and Pure Energy.

My husband scored free tickets to the Casting Crowns Christmas concert at the new BOK Arena. What a great line-up: Casting Crowns, Michael English, Pure Energy (?), Avalon, and NATALIE GRANT, and Denver and the Mile High Orchestra! The three hour show was amazing! Natalie sang my favorite Christmas song, O Holy Night. Could it get any better? I don't think so! Everyone performed some traditional Christmas songs, but Casting Crowns and Natalie Grant sang a couple of original Christmas songs. Amazing...simply amazing. They were both very moving. Casting Crowns is deeply involved in World Vision. They talked about sponsoring children. Sean and I picked out a child for our family to sponsor. That's been on my heart for several years. I don't know why I never did anything about it. But, we made a commitment last night. It will be exciting! Here are a few pictures from last night...

Natalie Grant leading Christmas carols in front of John 3:16 Mission.

The whole crew on stage in the opening song.

Natalie Grant singing with Melissa and Jenna from Avalon.

we are the champions, my friend...

2008-11-17T11:01:00.004-06:00

Last night was our church Chili Cook Off. Sean and I lead a LIFE Group on Sunday nights in our home. Our group decided to enter together with a Toy Story theme. You can't really see me in this picture. I'm behind the Prospector. I'm the tail end of the slinky dog. We had a lot of fun last night. Mr. Potato Head and I made the chili. It was kind of funny because last week our group had our own chili cook off. Anyone who wanted could bring chili to our group and we would vote on the best one. That would be the chili we would enter in the contest. Well, only Mr. Potato Head and I made chili. Everyone liked them both. So, one guy mixed them together and said we should just mix them and enter. So, we did! Our chili won 3rd place! Our group won 1st Place for Best Decoration! Sean and I got a lot of teasing and laughs being the slinky dog, but we had fun making our costume together.

Here's a picture of our prizes! A $10 Wal-Mart gift card for 3rd Place Chili. A $25 Wal-Mart gift card and a soap apron for Best Theme/Decoration! Awesome!

This is Sean and I in our interpretation of the Slinky Dog. I do have a little curly tail, but it's hard to see. That Buzz Lightyear doll is mine. Just so you know.